Apoca-Heels

Some time ago, I was having a conversation with my 2^nd niece and felt compelled to point out that the high heels she was wearing were inefficient.

Me: I don’t think you can run very fast in those.

2^nd Niece: Well, no, but they look good.

Me: But if you’re attacked by zombies, you won’t be able to get away. I mean, slow-zombies, maybe, but if it’s fast-zombies, you’re toast.

2^nd Niece: A very good point, Uncle J.

She said that second line with a particular sort of half-smile and slight eye-roll that all my nieces and nephews give me when I offer important life advice. I’m assuming it’s a look of profound love and respect.

However, this conversation got me thinking: what if there was a way to make high heels more functional? I mean, if civilization ends in a shattering zombie or asteroid-induced apocalypse and the survivors need to fight their way through a mutant infested wasteland in search of food, water, and some way to charge their iPhones, why can’t they do it in style?

Therefore, let me present: Apoca-Heels, the first high-heel for the post-apocalyptic party

Here’s the idea: There are those heels with the thick soles, right? All you need to do is figure out a way to hinge the heel so that it folds into the sole, kinda like those tennis shoe/roller skate combos that kids try to kill themselves with. Just add a button or an app or a lever of some sort and viola: your inefficient high heel is now the model of stealth and speed.

Just imagine: you’re at a swanky party with all sorts of rad dudes and then a zombie/mutant/insurance salesman bursts through the window, screaming something about brains or deductibles. While all the other party-goers are tripping on their heels trying to get away, you just click a button and you’re ready to run the 210 in .5 with a .01a and $12.

I have no idea what those numbers are supposed to mean. And do people still say ‘rad-dudes?’ I haven’t been to a party in a while. Since, like, ’85.

And that’s not all! Put a chunky enough sole on the Apoca-Heel and you can add things like shotguns, knives, frying pans, or machetes. The only thing stopping you is your imagination! And the fact that adding a firearm to a pair of shoes is probably extremely dangerous and/or illegal.

Anyway, once I have secured funding, look for Apoca-Heels in fine retailers everywhere!

NOTE: Apoca-Lips would be a great name for a lipstick brand. I have no idea where that came from.

Cheers,

-Jason