Not Exactly the Stealth Model

This is a true story, unlike many of the other things I’ve posted, this did actually happen. I’m even pretty sure it wasn’t a hallucination. I mean, I know the duck’s a hallucination, but he assures me that this wasn’t and who am I to doubt a hallucinatory duck?

Besides, the duck’s been good to me. Not like that *#%*#(!-ing rabbit.

Last weekend, I decided to take a walk. It was a nice day, sunny with a little breeze, and there’s a park with a walking/running trail just down the street. So I slipped into something more comfortable than the usual mail hauberk I wear at home and headed out. 

It was fairly busy, with lots of runners and walkers on the path and I was nearing the end of my walk when I turned a corner and saw a young couple a couple hundred feet ahead of me. They were walking hand-in-hand in the same direction I was and being generally cute, what with the leaning into each other and chatting and whatnot.

It was a nice scene. A young couple walking hand-in-hand along a trail, green grass around them, the sun high in a cloudless sky.  It was so wholesome Norman Rockwell could have painted it. It made even my black and bitter heart quiver, even though I keep it in a jar back home.

So, I’m walking along, gaining ground on this couple, because I walk really, really fast (seriously, ask anyone). Joggers are passing us, along with the occasional walker approaching from the opposite direction. They all pass the couple, who move a little to let them by. It’s all very, very normal. Nothing weird or amiss going on.

I get to about five yards behind them and step on a leaf or branch or something, causing the young woman to glance over her shoulder. Now, I’m not exactly the stealth model, so it’s not like I was sneaking up on them. I’m just walking along normally. 

Now, as I said, the young lady glances over her shoulder at me, and then moves completely to the left, pressing up against her boyfriend, leaving about ¾ of the trail open. She hasn’t done this with any of the other half-dozen people who’ve gone by.

I pass them after a minute or so. As I go by, dead silence. I get to about a dozen yards ahead of them and idly glance back, to see her move back to where she had been. They start talking again.

I literally said ‘Am I that scary?’ to myself.

It was kind of weird. I mean, I don’t think I’m a scary person. I did yell ‘Farfegnugen!’ at some ducks, but that’s the polite thing to do. I even left my machete in the car. I kind of wanted to slow down and let them catch up so I could say something nonchalant like ‘my, it’s a nice day for not strangling people!’ or something else to demonstrate that I was, in fact, not going to strangle them.

I dunno. Perhaps all these years of fighting ninjas have left their mark. Maybe her uncle was a ninja and he used to tell her stories of a burly, non-stealthy, fast-walking guy that beat him up on a regular basis. Maybe I just smell really, really bad (it’s possible). 

Then again, I was wearing my ‘Thumbs Up for Mindless Violence!’ t-shirt, so maybe that had something to do with it.

Cheers,

-Jason