Thursday, June 6, 2013


There was a wasp inside my apartment when I got home today. It was rather large and menacing in the way that wasps tend to be and the funny thing is, I have NO clue how it got in. I only noticed it because it was making a ‘tick’ sound when it was flying around.

My first hypothesis, that someone, maybe Vikings, had planted a very small bomb proved incorrect. It was only when I saw it circling my TV that I realized what it actually was.

As I mentioned, this thing was huge. It was a good inch long, not counting the knife and it looked kind of like a little yellow and black Apache helicopter. I, of course, captured it and subjected it to interrogation.

I mainly wanted to know how it got in. There are no wasp-sized holes in my apartment that I didn’t make myself, so that suggests it came in through either a window or a door.  So I focused my questioning in that area, hoping that it wouldn’t tell me that wasps had figured out how to work door handles.

Now, I’m not afraid of wasps in a screaming and pointing way. It’s more of a respect. Respect in that they will not just bite you, but they will go get all of their friends and relatives to come back and help them do it. I was bitten by a wasp once and that was a fairly serious ‘owie,’ as the professionals say, so I have no desire to be bitten by lots of them. Repeatedly. All over my body.

NOTE: I know for a fact that all branches of the Special Forces refer to injuries as ‘owies.’ Seriously. An actual Green Beret told me that. Granted, it might have been a hallucination, considering that he was also a chicken. A six foot chicken. Wearing a beret. . . . . you know, in hindsight, let’s just forget that I mentioned anything about that.

Anyway, the wasp proved a tough customer and refused to talk. I even threatened to turn it over to some bees I knew, but that didn’t seem to phase it. In the end, I decided to let it go.

“Fly away!” I said, in a commanding voice as I let it out of the glass. “Fly and tell your wasp friends that doom will come to their nest should they dare to cross my threshold again!” And then I did my best evil laugh.

I then watched it fly away, past my neighbor, who was staring at me and clutching a small yippy-type dog.
“Wasps are like Klingons,” I explained. “You have to threaten them or they won’t respect you.”

I’m sure she agreed, as she ran inside and slammed the door shut, presumably to tell all her friends about the cool guy she just talked to.

Yeah, I presume a lot.



Gillsing said...

"Phase it?" Or... "faze it?" I think I first encountered the word "faze" when I played Fallout 2, and sometimes got combat messages about how a deathclaw was "unfazed" by the damage I was doing to it. With my fists. Well, the fists of the character I was playing. I wouldn't personally go hand-to-hand with a mutated monster.

As for wasps, I try to shoo them out whenever they come inside. If they don't take the hint, I swipe at them in mid-air with my flyswatter, and once I've knocked them down and out, I throw them out to be eaten by whatever eats dead or disabled wasps.

And that is how I teach nature to leave me alone. But I'm sure that glass jar interrogation works too.

Astrus said...

Don't worry, the Vikings - or at least *my* Vikings - don't use bombs. Or wasps.
They do wonder what happened to the snakes and the two crows though.

They're also giving Magnus a tough time about a battleaxe he lost, you wouldn't have found it stuck in your door or something like that?
It's only slightly used and the leather on the handle has a few ketchup stains he says.

Cassandra Yeahpau said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Cassandra Yeahpau said...

hi! i was going through some blogs looking for someone that wasnt posting about sewing lol found yours and i find you quite hilarious i just started a blog myself and would love it if you could check it out :) no pressure tho thnx

Written words and Unspoken thoughts by Cassandra Two-Rivers

Jason Janicki said...

Yeah, 'faze' is actually the correct word. Damn MS Word for not correctly implementing the word I meant instead of the word I actually typed!

No, no battleaxes around. I do have a chainsaw, a gallon jug of shuriken, a spear, two maces, and a jar with some teeth in it. I'll get back to you if I find the axe, though :)

Sure, Cassandra :)