Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Not Old


I had an optometrist appointment last weekend as I needed to get new glasses. Oh, my old ones were fine. It was just that the frame was a little loose. Possibly because they had been, at various times, set on fire, used to disarm a ninja, stepped on (multiple times), and once thrown at an emu.

So I arrived at the combination ophthalmologist office/glasses-monger location and after a brief wait, was shown in for my appointment.

An attractive young woman led me to a bank of machines arranged in a semi-circle with a stool in the middle. I sat down and for the next few minutes, was directed to look into the machines, press buttons, and not pick my nose quite so much.

I kept asking what the machines were for and received various explanations, such as: this one tests for glaucoma. This one tests your peripheral vision. This one temporarily removes your eyeball and replaces it with a used golfball, etc.

“Wow,” I remarked at one point. “I remember when they only had the one machine for glaucoma.”

“Oh,” she replied, as she scribbled something on a piece of paper. “A lot of our older clients say that.”

I chuckled, because, frankly, she was cute.

I was then shown into the ophthalmologist’s office proper, where the doctor was waiting. This guy looked to be all of twenty-five and he quickly started the exam. First, he had me remove my glasses and read the smallest line on the chart I could.

“What chart?” was my answer, which seemed to amuse him. We then went through the standard lens-flipping routine and within twenty-minutes, my prescription was ascertained.

NOTE: I’m not sure what my actual prescription is. The piece of paper he gave me just said ‘Patient pretty much blind. Probably navigates by sense of smell.’

So then I was off to the lens person, another attractive young lady who helped me pick out some frames and choose the various options for my lenses. This was going along well until she got to the part about the bifocals.

“And many of our older patients,” she said, as she held up a sample, “prefer the no-line bifocals versus the traditional kind.”

That was it. A line in the sand had to be drawn. “Oh,” I said, smiling. “It’ll be a few more years before I need to think about bifocals.”

“Sir,” she said. “You’re holding the brochure three inches from your face while you hold your glasses up.”

“I like to smell the paper,” I replied. “We used to make it by han . . . buy it in bulk. Nope, never made paper. Or owned an 8-Track. Or have pictures of myself in bell bottoms.

“But with the no-line bifocals, no one will even notice you’re wearing them.”

“Reall- No, sorry. I don’t need bifocals. I’m not that old.”

“Well, okay,” she said, as she continued to show me more options. Apparently, there are lenses now that not only change color in the sun, they can block military grade lasers.

So, I got my glasses ordered and walked back out into the afternoon sun to my truck, which was probably older than the young lady who’d just taken my order. Some kids skate-boarded by, but I successfully resisted the urge to yell at them to get off my lawn.

‘Cause I’m not that old yet, dammit.

Cheers,
-Jason

7 comments:

Insectoid said...

Used golfball... LOL!!

I've had glasses since I was 3. (I also have a dent in my forehead from running into walls.) I was diagnosed with a condition very rare among young people—cataracts!—which were not removed until I was 13.

In the 13 years since then, and because of having artificial lenses that cannot focus, I've worn bi- or trifocals. I sometimes wonder what people think of someone my age having trifocals...

In any case, they are the traditional split-lens kind; I'm too used to them by now to think of switching to progressive lenses.

Rahel Sewell said...

This is the funniest thing I've read all week......
I'm sorry that you feel old! You shouldn't really. Just be glad that you've lived this long!! Living past 15 is a pretty darn great accomplishment, if you think about it. =)

PS!! I REFUSE to believe that bell-bottoms have EVER gone out of style. O.O

BabylonRanger said...

My mom doesn't like her bifocals at all. I really can't remember the reason, probably because it is so late and I should go to bed. But recently she's had these "floaters" in her vision. You know how if you stare at a light for any length of time and then when you look away there's a spot in your vision? Mostly there when your eyes are closed? Well that's sort of like what she has except it isn't from staring at lights. It's made it really difficult for her to drive in the dark. Also? Flash photography hurts her eyes.

So be grateful you don't have that to worry about.

Jason Janicki said...

Wow, glasses since three. I got mine when I was nine. How do they even test a 3-year old?

Thanks, Rahel :) I live in Oregon and trust me, bell bottoms are still in style here ;)

Very true, BabylonRanger.

Anonymous said...

Looks like the comic has gone dark. Over a month now? A pity, because it's a good story. A blog update to explain would really help.

"gunner" said...

like the cat, having eaten a piece of cheese, lurking by the mouse hole with baited breath, i am waiting for a new page.

Jason Janicki said...

Well, unfortunately, I don't have any news for you at this moment. Leigh is the artist and if he can't update, we can't update.

I will post a blog once there's more info.