Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Curiosity Killed the Martians

As you probably heard, the Rover Curiosity landed safely on Mars and began following its programming, which apparently consists of taking dirt and rock samples and doing stuff to them. This is fantastic in many, many ways as every new analysis will help uncover more about our universe and solar system.

Kudos to the men and women of NASA, who made this staggeringly amazing science-tastic event a reality.

It is, however, also . . . kinda . . . dull. I mean, it’s an amazing scientific and technological achievement, but when I think of exploring new worlds, I’m think about beaming down with a couple of disposable guys, shooting some natives, heating up rocks, and teaching green-skinned women about that thing we humans call ‘love.’ Taking ore samples, not so much.

Curiosity is fulfilling an amazingly important mission, but honestly, I think NASA should have jazzed things up a little. Now, if I’d been in charge of NASA, I would have done things a little different.

NOTE: There are many, many reasons why I’m not in charge of anything at NASA or even allowed near the building. One of which is that I think Prime numbers are the ones that Optimus Prime liked best.

So here’s what NASA should have done: they should have faked a war with Martians.

Imagine this: Curiosity lands on Mars and starts peacefully analyzing dirt and such. Suddenly, a giant robot lifts itself out of the ground, red Martian sand spilling all around it and announces (in English) ‘Death to the Intruders!’

There’s Curiosity, a small science robot, facing a gigantic Martian war-machine with claws and lasers and a big fondue-fork thingie. The war-machine charges, firing its weapons and swiping with its claws as Curiosity barely manages to dodge the onslaught.

“Oh no!” says someone off-screen. “Curiosity is doomed!”

“Not yet he isn’t!” says a second voice. “Curiosity! Switch to Battle Mode!”

Curiosity flies up into the air and mini-guns pop out. Rocket launchers flip up and for no particular reason an arm with a battle axe emerges as well.

And just as a John Williams score starts, Curiosity and the Martian war-machine go at it. Mini-guns fire, rockets launch, lasers laser, and axes . . . axe. However, despite its best efforts, Curiosity is slowly losing the battle, as the Martian war-machine is unfazed.

And then, suddenly, as Curiosity is cornered and out of ammo, what should appear? It’s the Opportunity, the rover that landed on Mars in 2004! The two robots combine into their ultimate form: Curiotunity! With newfound strength and some depleted uranium sabot rounds, Curiotunity takes down the war-machine, which blows up in a spectacular fashion!

Seriously. All NASA needed to do was hire a good CGI team and maybe Michael Bay and they could have turned this into an amazing blockbuster. Forget the Olympics. Forget whatever else was going on. We would have been glued to our TVs as our valiant little robots fought death machines on alien worlds.

Well, obviously, in reality Curiosity would have gone about its normal routine, but we don’t need to know that. NASA could have had us glued to our seats and gotten a massive funding increase to boot.

Anyway, yeah, just another reason why I don’t work at NASA.



Insectoid said...


Any news of Leigh?

Rahel Sewell said...

Damn, now I wish that you did work at NASA. XDD

Guodzilla said...

Nah, the martian war-machine wouldn't work. Now, having Curiosity be attacked by THARKS, now THAT'S better! Having twelve-foot-tall four-armed green fighting men with tusks swooping in like Mongol hordes on their eight-legged thoats, THAT would be cool.

Of course, there'd be a sexy, scantily-clad, redskinned babe standing on a distant hillside overseeing it all . . .

Jason Janicki said...

Leigh's alive, last I heard. No news on updates yet, though :(

I wish I worked at NASA too. They probably pay pretty well :)

I was gonna go for Tharks, but I went for the classic war-machine as that would require less exposition. And Disney has lawyers. Lots and lots of lawyers :) Thanks, Guodzilla ;)

Guodzilla said...

Disney Lawyers I can handle, but the Edgar Rice Burroughs estate,
well . . . That may be another matter. >;)