Tuesday, March 30, 2010

King Me

I’ve given it some thought. A lot of thought. A very lot of thought. A box full, you might say. And I have finally decided. It was not an easy decision, but I have come to the conclusion that it is the right one.

Ladies and gentleman. Nerds. Nature enthusiasts. Amateur horologists. And everyone else, I have decided that I would like to be the King. Of somewhere.

It just seems nifty. You get a great big crown, people bow to you all the time, and if you decide you want a large hot fudge sundae at 2 am, by George, you get a large hot fudge sundae!

I think I would make a fantastic king. I’m rather odd to look at, so the stamps bearing my profile would be distinctive. I know the difference between a ranseur, spetum, and partisan, which I’m sure kings need to know. I’m a great listener, as I can sleep with my eyes open and most of all, I have a kind of baffling stupidity that’s just close enough to intelligence to confuse people (it’s how I graduated from high school).

Now I realize that there aren’t a lot of openings for Kings and when there is one, there’s already a long line of people clamoring for the job. I could, of course, start a bloody, protracted war like they did in the old days, but frankly, I don’t have that kind of time.

My only recourse, obviously, is to then find someplace that lacks a King and declare myself their monarch. Ideally, it would be a small-island somewhere with an abundance of natural resources, good internet connectivity, and a large supply of gorgeous women.

Alas, I have yet to find such a place. The closest I’ve come so far was a tiny dot of an island with a (barely) working telephone and a couple of old Playboy centerfolds tacked up in a lean-to.

So, my request to you, my faithful readers, is to find someplace for me to become King of. The person that finds me the best spot will get to be my Vizier. Honestly, I don’t know what a ‘vizier’ does, but they’re usually evil, so that should be fun.



Chockeela said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
J. Alexander Van Belkum said...

I've been trying to pull down an asteroid and start it floating in the pacific, to build a whole new island, as it were. I don't much care for kingship, so you can have the job.

As to my qualifications: I have the tech to pull an asteroid down from space. What kind of good guy has that technology?

We can always import our gorgeous women, too, you know.

Captcha's almost a word: comentes

Rainel said...

I believe your best option is to join me in my conquest of becoming the monarch of Antarctica. Then you will become the King of Penguins! What could be more awesome than ruling an army of penguins?

Jason Janicki said...

Ooooh, that's a good plan, J. Alexander! Especially if we put engines on it and then drive it around, subduing other islands.

That is an intriguing offer, Rainel, but I should warn you that the first thing I will do as Penguin King is weaponize my penguins, take over the seals, and then subjugate the birds. By the time you notice, it will be too late and I will have overthrown you. Just FYI and all that :)

Silver said...

Is this the time to point out that America is an island and lacks a king? I've heard some pretty bad things about the women there, but there are over 200 million of them (I can't be bothered to count at the moment) so at least some almost has to be gorgeous.

Internet connectivity shouldn't be a problem either. The guntoting people might be a problem, but I'm sure I can think of some way to fix that. I suppose that'll be my job as a vizier, after all.

"gunner" said...

most of those gun toting people won't bother you if you don't don't bother them. at least the ones legally "toting" won't. criminals of course obey no laws, but if you're armed they're fair game. it works out fairly well mostly.
(note: i'm one of those legally armed.)

"gunner" said...

also... we used to have a king, a couple of hundred years ago, we disagreed with him about taxation without representation. he sent some people in red coats to argue the question. we sent them home disgruntled and set up shop on our own. kings don't seem to thrive over here.

Jerron said...

It's good to be King.

Unless maybe you're trying to do it in a long-distance relationship, and everybody gets the wrong idea and wants to have a revolution. Which I think was really, just a big party that got out of hand, and bad things happened when they told to stop doing it.