Groundhog Day

Today was Groundhog Day. For those of you not in the know, Groundhog Day is a tradition where a groundhog is pulled out of his lair for no really good reason and displayed while people drink. Wait, that’s not quite it. Groundhog Day is related to an old German tradition that says ‘if a groundhog sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.” And then people drink.

It is one of our more fanciful traditions, though I am at a loss as to how you’d know if the groundhog saw his shadow or not. Does he do a little dance? Pee himself? Bite the idiot human holding him in a desperate attempt to get back to his lair? I honestly don’t know.

Anyway, there was a whole bit about this tradition on the news this morning, with the announcers making the usual, tired Groundhog Day jokes. They had a clip of the ‘largest Groundhog Day celebration,’ with the groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, being manhandled in front of a crowd.

NOTE: Wikipedia just informed me that if the groundhog sees his shadow, he’ll scurry back into his den. If he doesn’t, he’ll come out and smoke a cigarette. Wikipedia never lies.

This got me thinking. There are so many events that could be livened up with the inclusion of animals. I mean, everyone loves animals, especially when they pee and/or bite a local newscaster. So here’s a list of events that I think animals need to be included in:

Presidential Elections
The presidential candidates should have to get into a ring and fight a lion. If they refuse, then they obviously don’t have the mettle to be president. If they get eaten, then they obviously weren’t strong enough to lead the country. If the candidate wins, then he or she has demonstrated sufficient strength and determination to sit in the White House. And besides, no one else will dare mess with us because our president fought a frickin’ lion and won.

The Academy Awards
Just let a bear loose at some point. It would make the whole thing much more fun to watch. Everyone will be on the edge of their seats waiting for the bear and the tabloids will have a field day with their ‘who got mauled’ specials. Everyone wins.

Golf
Now, I realize that some people really like to watch golf, but I am not one of them. This is why I would add alligators to all the water traps and make the players wear meat pants. If a course does not have water features, I would then just randomly parachute alligators in. If a player is attacked and manages to beat off the reptile with a club, he gets an eagle or vulture or whatever. Just think of it: “Well, Tiger’s on the 8th and he’s teein- oh! Here comes an alligator! Tiger’s switching clubs, going for a spiked 9-Iron and yes, he’s fighting the alligator! Y’know, most golfers would have gone with a putter for an alligator of that size, but that’s why Tiger’s such a competitor!”

Is it a perfect plan? Well, no, but I like it. Plus, it would annoy PETA which is always a bonus.

Cheers,
-Jason