Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Please Help

It started out innocently enough. I was at a friend’s birthday party, blithely drinking sodas and debating the merits of the new Thundercats cartoon (meh), when I noticed something. It was as if a light were suddenly switched on. It had been there all along, glaringly obvious, yet subtle and unobtrusive. I speak of a terrible condition, one that has been striking down my male brethren for years, but sadly, has been pushed aside in favor of more marketable, sexier conditions.

I speak of course, of Male Pattern Calf Baldness.

Oh, it starts innocently enough. You might realize one day that you’ve lost some hair around your ankle or mid-way up your calf. You don’t worry about it. “It’s just the socks,” you say. Maybe one or two of your friends has noticed the same thing. You’ll probably just laugh it off. After all, your dad had it and it never bothered him.

But then you realize that the bald patch is growing. It’s slowly taking over your entire calf, like some creeping, ‘taking over’ thing. And by that point, it’s too late. You’ve succumbed to MPCB and there’s no going back. You’re calves are now as smooth and shiny as a fender on a ’55 Buick.

NOTE: I’m assuming ’55 Buicks had big, shiny fenders. I realize that I could probably look it up on the internet or something, but that would take effort.

By my count, three out of seven men will someday have MPCB. I base this number on sound, scientific methodology, ie, I looked at everyone’s legs at the party. Some men were wearing pants and I couldn’t think of a clever way to check. Offering them a dollar to show me was obviously out of the question, as I didn’t have enough money.

At any rate, MPCB is a terrible, terrible scourge, but I’m sure we can conquer it. Normally, I’d suggest that the government devote massive resources so I can lead a team of scientists/super-models to figure out a cure, but we all know the government’s broke. Therefore, I propose that any available scientists/super-models simply show up at my place this Friday at about 8-ish. Bring lab equipment, bikinis, and snacks.

Anyway, I’m sure that with a few years of continuous study, MPCB can be defeated and men all over the world can proudly show their calves once again.

Oh, and just to be clear, female scientists/super-models (I do appreciate the enthusiasm, Brian).



Anonymous said...

Just for the record, when my legs started losing their hair, it was a sign of diabetes. Good luck!

Jason Janicki said...

Oooh. Sorry to hear that. I'm pretty sure it's not diabetes, as I get checked for that every year. I'm pretty sure it's just the genetics/pants. Both of my brothers and dad have the same thing ;)

Antonious said...

So, when are those girls going to turn over.....so they can become evenly tanned.......yeah that's what I was going to say.

mamafrog said...

I'd just as soon not see calves on grown men, to be honest. Way too many guys with shockingly white legs bare them in ugly clothes. Too, too scary! And some are just down right ugly enough that they should not be seen in public. Ever.

Jason Janicki said...

The girls will be turning over next week, Antonious. There might be even be splashing involved :)

I hear you, mamafrog, but there's not gonna be a lot we can do about it. I guess we just don't look down? :)

Anonymous said...

Arrrg Jason, I be sorry to hear that. Yer sure it not be mange? I hear the Lubbers use pet treatments fer that. Just be sure ye eat yer fruits, or ye'll get scurvy to boot, and ye'll have quite a mess on yer poop deck-err, floor. Avast! I mean Hands. Yer hands? Yarr, me thinks that be acceptable.
Happy 19th!! #_^
-Rahel the Voluntarily Insane/Andrea the Swift of Arrow

Ed said...

I'm disappointed in you, Jason. There's an obvious response to your issue.

Take up cycling.

That way, anyone who notices your issue will just think you shave to improve your aerodynamics.

Jason Janicki said...

Nope, pretty sure it's not mange. My vet said so. ;)

I hadn't thought of cycling, Ed. I guess I could also take up swimming as well. Or some other sport where body friction is important. Mayhap, professional slip and slide?

Anonymous said...

My calves look like this:


Big red spots and eveything should I see a doctor?

Jason Janicki said...

If those are your calves, I don't think a doctor can help you. A mechanic, yes. Doctor, no :)

Captain Hesperus said...

Not trying to be a source of worry, but my medical knowledge and a little research lead me to wonder if you are getting Peripheral Artery Disease: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001223/
Check out the other symptoms and if any of them are familiar, get to your doctor. If it's not familiar, then it's probably just the ninjas shaving your legs at night to worry you...

Jason Janicki said...

Thanks for the info, Cap. After looking through the link you sent, I'm pretty sure it's the ninjas ;)