Tuesday, February 13, 2018

Frosty the Dead Moose

I have heard rumor that some people, when they go to bed at night, actually fall asleep in a few minutes and then awake refreshed in the morning. I am not one of those people. It takes, on average, about thirty-minutes for me to fall asleep and I wake up a lot. However, one flip-side to insomnia is that I get a lot of thinking done.

Weird thinking.

Last night, as I lay awake in the darkness, the song Frosty the Snowman started running through my head. I have no idea why. As the song kept going, I then began to wonder: how does it work, exactly?
Frosty, if you don’t remember the song or the animated short, is a snowman. A girl places a magic silk top hat on him and he comes to life, then goes on a rampage, destroying civilizat-.

Whoops, wrong version.

Frosty comes to life and has adventures with the girl and her friends and eventually goes to live with Santa Claus at the North Pole, promising to come back next winter.

Which begs the question: what if the girl had placed the hat on something else? It’s a magic hat, so unless it has weirdly specific ‘snowman only’ properties, shouldn’t it work on . . . well . . . anything?
We could have had Frosty the Camaro or Frosty the Mannequin or even Frosty the Dead Moose. 

Think about it, you’re running around the woods and find a dead moose. You’ve got a hat and the moose isn’t going anywhere, so, why not put two-and-two together, so to speak?

If a magic silk top hat can make a snowman come to life and dance and play, then a moose is even better. For example, it could talk and impart ancient moose wisdom. Second, you could ride him like a horse. Third, it’s a friggin’ moose. Doors, small cars, people, trailer homes, the post office, it’s gonna go through all of those like a hot moose through a large building made of butter. In fact, since it’s a magical undead moose, I don’t think anything short of an Abrams is going to even tickle it.

Plus, if it’s dead enough, you could crawl inside him and take a nap. Or keep a sandwich in there, just in case you get hungry.

Oooh, you could get some undead squirrels and fill him with those. Then when he attacked, he would smash through whatever was in front of him and then the squirrels would leap out and start biting. He’d be an undead Armored Fighting Vehicle.

You’d need a lot of magic hats for that, though.

And people think insomnia is a bad thing . . .


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