Staples

I found myself standing in front of a large row of pens and other writing implements seriously wondering if I should buy a red pen. One part of my brain kept insisting that I don’t need a red pen, but then another part would point out that in the event that I did need a red pen, it would be better to have one ready. You know, just in case some zombies attacked and the only way to defeat them would be correcting their homework.

No, I didn’t get so far as to figure out why zombies would have homework, much less why correcting it would defeat them.

I decided that I really, really didn’t need a red pen, zombies or not, as I already had a mace. I started to walk away only to be distracted by a selection of highlighters. It was then I realized I was totally hooked on Staples.

Oh, it started innocently enough. I would go into the local Staples with an actual need, such as the sorter I bought a couple/three weeks ago. I needed that to sort stuff. The argument can be made that you can also sort stuff with a mace, but it’s not as tidy.

And then I found myself going in to look at file folders. I don’t really need any file folders, but when I bought the sorter, I passed the file folders and thought ‘maybe I should get some of those, too.’

It escalated from there.

I decided I really needed to look at some labels. And since I was there, I should probably check out the envelopes. And laser pointers. You never know when you might need to point at something.

I mean, I might be in a restaurant when zombies attack. I’ll shout ‘Look out, zombies!’ and the other patrons will say ‘Where?’ and I’ll whip out my laser pointer and put the dot right on a zombie’s forehead and say ‘There!’

And then we’ll beat up the zombies with chairs and plastic trays and I’d be a hero and the cute cashier might give me a coupon for a free burger.

No, my ambitions are not lofty.

Staples just has all these things that I can convince myself that I might need. I don’t have this problem in toy stores. Oh, I want everything, I just don’t need everything. Staples is different. They have real grown-up things that I can show to an adult and say ‘this is a thing I need’ and they would agree.

Now, if the zombies were in high-school, they could, conceivably have been zombified before they turned in their homework, so they might still have it on them. And if I gave them ‘F’s, they might be so dejected they would forget about eating what little brain I have. Then I could hit them with my mace.

Huh, guess I’m going back to Stables for that red pen.

Cheers,

-Jason

ECC 2014: After Action Report

Wind whipped across the parking lot, driving the rain almost horizontally across the asphalt. Two men stood facing one another by a black sedan, the water dripping from them disappearing into the puddle at their feet.

“What now?” the taller of the two asked, the dull light from the cloudy sky shining in his glasses.

“You know,” said the other as he curled his hands into fists.

“We really going to do this?”

“There’s no other choice.”

The tall man rolled his neck and then swung his arms across his body as he hopped from foot to foot, pausing to shake out each leg.

The other man looked up and let the rain wash over his face for a moment, before settling into a crouch, left foot forward, hands up.

The taller man began to shuffle, firing quick jabs with both hands. He settled into a boxing stance, shoulders forward, chin down. “On three,” he said.

“Right.”

A car horn blared in the distance, reverberating off the brick buildings around them.

“One.”

A woman walked by, her head down against the wind and rain. She never noticed them.

“Two.”

The remnants of a plastic bag fluttered past.

“Three.”

Hands flashed on both sides and there was sudden stillness, punctuated by the sound of rain hitting the car.

“Poop,” said the shorter man. His outstretched hand showed scissors.

“Ha!” said the other, his hand showing rock. “You have to carry the big box!”

The preceding was a dramatic interpretation of how we figured out who had to carry the heavy stuff in a parking lot near the Seattle Convention Center. Actually, we parked in the underground lot, so it wasn’t really wet. And we had dollies. And, frankly, everything was heavy.

It’s probably best to just forget that first part.

Anyway, Leigh, my brother Rick and I survived ECC 2014 intact. There were a lot of early mornings, as the parking lot is full by 9 am, but we persevered and managed to get decent parking all three days. Jason Raines, the penciler on Capes & Heels showed up later and had to park almost 7,001 kilometers away, which is something like 3 blocks.

Yes, I’m a bit hazy on the whole metrics thing.

To sum up the con: fun, costumes, nerds, hot-dogs, pictures, more fun, many con-buddies, fans new and old, finishing with sleeping and then doing the whole thing over again. It was like attending a party for three days with comics and intermittent alcohol.

We saw a lot of con buddies and friends alike. To our left was David Ketcherside. Across the aisle were the Scottish Ninjas and to our left was Sam Wood. Our con buddies Jason Metcalf was in attendance, as was Quentin Shaw of QED Publishing, Jason Martin, Randy ‘Rantz’ Kintz, and Beth Guizzetti of ZB Publications.

Overall, a great time was had. Drinks were drunk. Hot dogs were consumed. Comics were . . . comicked.

Next up for us is the Salt Lake FaneXperience on April 17-19^th. Come by, say ‘hi,’ and check out some of our new projects.

Cheers,

-Jason

The Cleaner

First of all, let me announce that we will be at tables P-13 & P-14 in Artist’s Alley at the Emerald City Comicon! Come see new art for Wayfarer’s Moon and Capes & Heels!  Thrill to see the cover for Art the Wanderer! And if you ask nicely (or at all), I’ll tell you the latest news about Wayfarer’s coming back!

With that being said, I cleaned a bit today. Well, actually, I cleaned a lot. I have this problem when it comes to cleaning. I hate doing it, so I put it off until the carpet gets crunchy. However, once I start cleaning, I tend to go a little (more) nuts and clean everything. I will even rearrange closets, just because I happened to open a door.

Anyway, it all started because of taxes. I had a whole stack of tax forms on my desk that was starting to overlap with other stacks of important things and I was worried that they would form one huge, massive stack that would gain sentience and make me buy it binders and ice-cream.

Therefore, during lunch I stopped by Staples and bought one of those rack thingies that you put papers in. Actually, after glancing at the receipt, they’re called ‘sorters.’ Anyhow, I bought a sorter, took it home, and put it on my desk. I then spent a few minutes putting my papers into the discrete lanes of the sorter, just in case an IRS commando team infiltrated my department and demanded to see my W-2 ‘or else.’

With that done, I noticed that I had a whole stack of old mail on my desk as well, so of course now I had to go through that and make sure that nothing in there needed sorting. That’s actually a lie. I looked carefully at the first ten-ish envelopes and then decided that if I hadn’t dealt with it yet, it probably wasn’t important. The whole stack then went into the garbage.

And that’s when the cleaning started. There were some pieces of paper that had random notes on them. Into the garbage they went. Old Comic-Con brochures? Garbage. Anything that didn’t have an immediately obvious purpose? Garbage.

And I was off, cleaning everything. I rearranged my bookshelf. I moved stuff out from under my desk and into a new place. New stuff then went under my desk. I then happened to wander into my bedroom and started to rearrange the bookshelf in there. And then I looked in the closet and started putting things on hangers. Then I arranged the stuff on hangers by type. 

I knew I had a problem, but I just couldn’t stop. Boxes were moved. Comics were alphabetized. I found things I didn’t know I owned. Why did I have a 1947 yearbook and a porcelain clown with no head? I have no idea.

NOTE: Headless porcelain clowns make really good pen jars. Plus, you get the enjoyment of metaphorically stabbing a clown every time you put a pen in it.

Three hours later and I was shirtless in the kitchen with a machete in one hand and a jar of Vicks VapoRub in the other, yelling incoherently as I tried to kill the thing in the freezer. It was then that I knew I had to stop, as the thing I was so desperately fighting turned out to be a really old bag of frozen peas. I don’t even think it was animate in the first place.

So, now the apartment is half-clean, which I’m now okay with. The freezer isn’t looking too good, but that’s what renter’s insurance is for.

Cheers,

-Jason

Valentine’s Day

First of all, I’d like to announce that we’ll be at the Emerald City Comicon at the end of March! We’ll have art from our two new projects: Steam & Blood and Capes & Heels. We’ll also have some Wayfarer’s Moon pieces by our new artist. So come by and say ‘hi,’ or just tell us we’re doo-doo heads for not getting Wayfarer’s going soon enough.

‘Doo-Doo Heads’ being a technical term.

With that said, it’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow.

As usual, I will be single again, unless I happen to meet a girl and start dating her in the 3 hours until Valentine’s Day actually starts. Seeing that I’m not anticipating leaving my house before then, she will have to physically drive into my apartment or at least make enough noise on my doorstep that I’ll go investigate.

So, in all probability, no.

As dreary as that sounds, I do have a plan. A terribly cunning one, if I do say so myself: I’m going to buy myself a Valentine’s present. It’s not so weird if you think about it. After all, I am my own best friend. I do everything with me, I know exactly what I like, and in all the years I’ve known me, we’ve never broken up or really had harsh words of any sort.

So yes, I am perfect for me.

In fact, I’m planning on surprising myself by buying a replica sword online. See? None of you would have thought ‘Gee, what should I get Jason for Valentine’s Day? Oh, I know! A sword!’ No, you would’ve gotten me some chocolate or a fifty-gallon drum of Nair or possibly a dead ninja. Not that I wouldn’t like those things, it’s just that deep down in the crevice where my heart should be is a little, empty spot that looks just like a Gross Messer.

Yes, I have a thing for large, two-handed hacking instruments. See, you didn’t know that did you?

Anyways, I’ll be so surprised when the sword arrives, I’ll probably take me to dinner. And I won’t order the lobster.

Okay, now I’m kinda depressed.

Cheers,

-Jason

RRRR, PEW, and (sometimes) VORP

Greeting and salutations!

Some of you may have noticed that we have a new main website. It’s not quite all there yet, with just the main page and the Capes & Heels sections up, but as we get more content, more will get added (sooner rather than later, hopefully).

In other news, Wizard World Portland starts tomorrow. If you want a sneak peek at Capes & Heels #1, find Jason Raines in Artist Alley. He’s going to have the book out as well as some related goodies. And, if I do say so myself, it is completely awesome :)

In other, other news, I got bored at work today and decided to make up sound effects for everything I did on the computer. Now, I realized that this might irritate my coworkers, so I did them very quietly, which resulted in several people asking me if I was okay, as I spent most of the day hunched over my desk making barely audible noises.

And yes. I am okay. Relatively speaking.

The hardest noise to come up with was the mouse noises, as you have to make those a lot. The left button was ‘pew’ and the right button was ‘bam.’ The middle button was ‘vorp’ if I was rolling it. I don’t think I ever actually pressed the middle button, but it was ‘zorch’ just in case.

I settled on a simple ‘rrrrrrr’ for moving the mouse, as I found that anything more complicated was difficult to sustain for any length of time. So, yes, I spent a number of hours today going ‘rrrrrrrrr pew pew rrrrr rr r rrrrrrr rr rrrrr pew bam rrrr rrrrrrrrr pew pew pew – wait, no that was a ‘bam’ – rrrrrr’ etc. 

So, in all honesty, it wasn’t much different than my normal behavior.

A helpful coworker did point out that there was probably a way to simply program Windows to make those sounds automatically, but that would be the easy way. If you want to make weird noises all day, then go ahead and do it, don’t rely on some technological crutch.

Plus, I really have no idea how to do that.

So, to sum up: New website up. Sneak peak at Wizard World Portland. Weird noises.

I think that about covers it.

Cheers,

-Jason