Thursday, April 25, 2013

Round One: Squabble!

My upstairs neighbors had a fight the other night. She went stomping up the stairs and flung the door open. I couldn’t quite hear what was going on, but she was pissed at the guy for some reason and yelled for about ten minutes. She then stomped back out and drove off. I continued watching cartoons.

She came back about twenty minutes later and stomped back up the stairs. This time there was more prolonged shouting and some jumping up and/or down, as they made the ceiling shake. After about ten minutes of this, she left again, leaving the guy sobbing.

I happened to use the bathroom at that point and discovered a fun fact: you can hear what’s going on upstairs really, really well in the bathroom. He was sobbing and kept repeating ‘What am I going to do?’ I’m not sure if he was talking to someone or just in hysterics, but I made a mental note to not say anything incriminating loudly in the bathroom, just in case they could hear me as well as I could hear them.
And that was it. Maybe twenty minutes total arguing with another ten or so of sobbing.

In all honesty, the level of fighting that has been going on at this apartment complex has been really, really bad. I would give the one the other night a 4 out of 10 at best, just because she stomped really well.

As a long-time apartment dweller, I have come to recognize the artistry involved in a really good fight.  There’s a certain commitment needed to truly scream that someone is a ‘filthy whore’ at 3 in the morning.  Even the relatively simple act of slamming an apartment door has its intricacies. Do you go for the big wham or the more subtle ‘shut the door softly, but in a way that makes the whole building shake?’ 

Seriously, these people need some lessons or something. Back at my old complex this wouldn’t have even registered over the screaming and sirens. Where was the crashing of lamps? The breaking of furniture? The anguished wails? The intricate melody of two people screaming at each other in a language I don’t understand?

I guess my point is that if you’re going to disturb your neighbors with a fight at least make it interesting.  Scream, holler, break stuff. And when you run screaming into the night, do it in your underwear. Basically, give me something to tell the guys at work about or just don’t bother.

As a rule of thumb: if the SWAT team shows up, you’re doing it right.



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SJPaladin said...

You can always make the argument worse by leaving incriminating evidence around the apartment building. Maybe drop a bra outside someone's door, or slip a love letter under a door.

I'm sure if you spend the time you can help them achieve the level of awesomeness. And when it finally makes national headlines, you can say "I was a part of this".

Jason Janicki said...

I like the way you think, SJPaladin!