Tuesday, October 2, 2012

A Bed Gone Bad

As some of my regular readers may know (all three of them), I own a variety of evil devices. My keyboard was forged in some hellish nether-world. My GPS wants me to harvest Leigh for his organs, and I once had a toothbrush that I called Mr. Stabby for a variety of reasons.

Now I fear that my bed, the frame specifically, has gone to the side of evil. A Sith bed, if you like. Specifically, in the last three weeks, I’ve broken two toenails on it and once cracked my shin hard enough to almost make me pass out.

Yes, I know exactly what it feels like to almost, but not quite, pass out. It’s a weird feeling, best described as ‘BWAAAAAAH’ in a sort of vibrating bass. I know this because my old kung-fu instructor, Dave, had what we would euphemistically describe as ‘heavy hands.’ Ie, he felt that pain tolerance was an essential skill and he would not hesitate to ‘train’ us.

Oh, it’s not like you would walk into the school and he’d punch you in the face. It was slightly more subtle. Sometimes, he’d feel the need to demonstrate something to the class.

“Hey, Jason,” he’d call out.

“Yeah,” I would answer, innocently enough.


I would, of course, walk over. “What’s up?”

“Throw a high right.”



I would regain my senses usually at the point where he was saying something like “and that’s how you use that move.”

NOTE: It may be Stockholm Syndrome, but man, I do miss that school.

So, at any rate, my only conclusion is that my bed has turned to the path of evil. As I said, two cracked toe-nails and one shin-on-wood BWAAAAAH do not lie. Now, I don’t know what would make a good bed go bad. Money, perhaps. Fame. Fortune. The chance to have someone other than a large, hairy, gaseous man lying on it.

All I know is that it’s (technically) inanimate and I have three axes of varying sizes scattered around the apartment. I figure I’ll give it one more cracked toe-nail and then it gets to find out what BWAAAAAAH feels like.



Vince said...

You might have to use the Klingon war axe on your bed, but be careful. If it now has Sith abilities, you'll end up slicing off your own foot.

I'm sure you have more than three regular readers. I mean, I have one and a half, and I'm not nearly as funny as you are and don't have an on-line comic.

Antonious said...

Your instructor would have found me to be a challenge. In the Navy I walked into a heavy gauge steel garbage can in the dark, in bare feet. Result, a triple fracture of my big toe. Was I out of commission for the day? Nope, I pulled a full day of duty running a nuclear reactor. The only reason I saw the doctor was because I was ordered to. I didn't think I had done that much damage.

Jason Janicki said...

Well, if it's a Sith, I might have to go the lightsaber route. Tradition and all :)

Can cats count as readers? If so, one of my friends has four, so that would make seven-ish :)

Oh, my instructor would have loved you, Antonious :) You would be his favorite demonstratee. The rest of us would have loved you as well as it would have reduced the time we spent in the fetal position on the floor :)

Anonymous said...

Thank you, I now know how to describe the nearly-passing out sensation. I have a really weird pain tolerance in that first I will get the BWAAAAH, and then all the pain will go away and I will have a raging headache instead.

P.S. My current captcha is a photo and a word. That is some kind of messed up.

Jason Janicki said...

You're welcome, Anon. Someday I'll get around to creating a word that describes how one feels when stepping barefoot on a snake. AAAGH! springs to mind :)