Wednesday, August 10, 2011


The other weekend I was invited to the park by my good friends Sean and Devon. They have a 5-year-old son, James and a 1-year-old daughter Leah. So, I spent a merry afternoon playing soccer, throwing a football, running, chasing, throwing Frisbees, playing catch, wrestling, and even occasionally doing all of the above at the same time.

Once the day was done, meaning James was sufficiently tired, we went our separate ways. It then occurred to me, as I was driving to the store to buy food for the week (soda, chips, popcorn, gum, and a banana), that I was a really good uncle.

No, scratch that. I’m a great uncle. In fact, I’m so good at it, I should do it professionally. That’s right: Rent-An-Uncle.

Now, this is not some babysitting service. I don’t care when your kid needs to nap or if they have to eat all their prunes or whatever. At Rent-An-Uncle, we do not care about that sort of thing. We’re here for three reasons:

1. To be able to play until someone vomits
2. To teach them inappropriate language
3. To subtly mess with their heads (ie, telling them boogers are their brains melting)

I am uniquely qualified, in that:

1. I watch all the cartoons (I know who Captain Rex is)
2. I can play any and all games, including all the consoles, outdoor ones, and ones made up on the spot
3. Intellectually speaking, I’m pretty much on their level

NOTE: I will not play Candy Land. This is not a game. It’s more like torture with dice. It’s the only game I’ve played with a niece where after thirty minutes she looked at me and said ‘Do we have to keep playing this?’

Now, obviously, I will respect certain ground rules. If you don’t want me throwing your child into a Pitch Back, let me know so I can do it when you’re not looking.

Also, let me know what level of violence is acceptable, ranging from Simple Roughhousing to Stairs are Indoor Slides to A Little Blood Never Hurt Anyone.

At the end of the day, I’ll hand you back what’s left of your child, you’ll hand me a wad of cash and we’ll part happily.

I think it’s a plan.



Captain Hesperus said...

It's...genius. Sheer genius! And surprising, considering the source...
It's so inspired that I shall forthwith steal it and use it as my own idea.

You, sir, are a cad and a plagiarist! How dare you steal my hard-thought-out ideas and pawn them off as your own! If I were any less of a gentleman I might demand satisfaction at dawn, with two smoked mackerels and a single fork!

That showed him.....

Rachel J said...

Dear Uncle J...
As your blood niece, I must ask why you should pawn yourself off to others, when you have a perfectly good niece sitting at home being bored. I am aware of the fact I am an "older" model niece, but upgrades are available such as: lasers, popcorn maker, and pepsi fetcher. I don't make to much of a mess as long as you remember to let me out once in a while, and am, in my humblest of opinions, pretty darn awesome.

Jason Janicki said...

Yeah, I was pretty pleased with it myself :)

Bored? Last I heard, you were out winning archery contests and fighting vampires (I dunno, I may have heard one of those wrong). And you're always welcome to come visit and fetch me Cokes, assuming you can tell yourself away from Chris :)