Wednesday, October 13, 2010

This, Not That: Part 2

EDITORIAL NOTE: Several people have expressed concern that my health is poor and that I may die at any moment. I do appreciate the concern, but let me reassure you that things in my blogs are often exaggerated for comedic purposes. For example, I quote my doctor as saying ‘That’s very, very bad,’ when in truth, she only used one ‘very.’

EDITORIAL NOTE #2: Yes, I’m still exaggerating. Let me just say that I am fairly certain that I am in fact, immortal. This hypothesis has been tested on a couple of occasions and I’m still here, so there you go. I realize this is not rigorous science, but that’s why I was an English major.

EDITORIAL NOTE #3: Please do not try and test my assumed immortality. Do not try and hit me with a car, shoot me, stab me, drop things on me, poison me, set me on fire, drown me, hide a bear in my closet, duct tape a steak to me and then let loose a cheetah, or anything else that might hurt. Anvils are right out.

So, there I was at the doctor. She was showing me a printout with lots of numbers on it. Several (okay, most) of the numbers had three digits.

“Very bad,” she was saying. “Dead people have numbers like this.”

“What about that number,” I asked, pointing at a single digit. “It’s low. Isn’t that good?”

“That’s the page number.”

“Then what about that one,” I said, pointing at a number in the low 20s.

“That’s supposed to be high. Around 180.”

“Ah. So what am I supposed to do?”

“Do what you normally do,” she said. “But do the opposite. If you want to eat a hamburger, eat a salad. If you want a soda, drink water. If you want to sit down, run in circles.”

“But what if I want to exercise, should I just sit down?” I asked, somewhat smugly.

“No. Do a different exercise. Here,” she said, handing me a small stack of paper. “These are all your prescriptions. Take them all. Everyday.”

I took the stack of prescriptions. It was like a small phone book. “Wasn’t there anything,” I asked after a moment’s reflection. “That I scored well on?”

My doctor considered this. “Well,” she finally said. “You’re very hairy.”

“Is that good?”

She shrugged. “Probably won’t kill you. Maybe.”



The Mess said...

I'm immortal. Statistics prove it.

In the entire history of the universe, all 13.75 billion years of it, I have not died even once. That's 433,905,120,000,000,000 seconds. Therefore, the chances of me dying in any particular second into the future are clearly less than 1 in 433,905,120,000,000,000. In fact, they are clearly closer to ZERO in 433,905,120,000,000,000.

So, clearly, it is phenomenally unlikely that I will die in any one second at any point in the future, so small that it doesn't deserve serious consideration.

Kris said...

Unless, of course, someone comes along with an improbability drive that is tuned to your unlikelihood of death. Then we shall mourn you ironically.

Jason Janicki said...

I like the way you think, The Mess. We can totally hang out in a couple hundred years and talk about how cool the 21st century was and then yell at some kids to get off our lawns :)

Unless we can make an unprobablility drive that is tuned to the death of the next person to invent one. Then we take them out first.

Lurklen said...

What an insane coincidence, I too am immortal. This boggles the mind, my mind is boggled. It's like the gathering from that show about the whiny immortals who cut each others heads off, except on the internet. And without all the rampant decapitation, at least so far.

Jason Janicki said...

There can be only LOTS!