I’ve decided to start planning a mid-life crisis. Now, I
know they’re supposed to happen spontaneously, but I live in a dark place with
no other people, so if I don’t plan it, no one will know I’m having one.
So, as far as I can tell, having a mid-life crisis involves
acting much younger than you actually are in a desperate attempt to recapture
the glory of youth. My problem with that is that I still watch cartoons, eat
Captain Crunch, drink soda, and wear t-shirts and jeans exclusively. If I act
any younger, I’ll have to wander around town in a diaper.
To combat this, I plan on buying a pair of sensible slacks
and eating boring cereal with lots of fiber. Then, when I’m feeling adult-ish,
I’ll try and have a crisis where I act somewhat older than I normally do. So,
technically, I’ll try and act my age so that I can not act my age.
Or something.
Anyway, once I reach the point of actually having the
mid-life crisis, I will refer to the handy guide that I’ve outlined below:
Step 1: Get a convertible, preferably red.
I own a pickup truck that is older than many of the people I
work with. It has a hole in the roof that I normally shove a plastic bag into
to keep the rain out. Since I cannot afford a sports-car, I will assume that
this technically makes my truck a convertible. I don’t want to paint my truck
red, however it often has flames coming out of it and flames are cool, so I
think that’s okay.
Yes, I really should get that looked at, but the trail of
smoke make it easy to find in the parking lot.
Step 2: Get a hairpiece.
I already have plenty of hair, so I think I’ve got this one
covered as well. Granted, the vast majority of the hair is not on my head, but
I consider that a minor inconvenience.
Step 3: Get an earring
I had an earring in college, mainly because my dad wouldn’t
let me get one when I was in high school. I didn’t really pay much attention to it and kind
of forgot about it for a couple years. Eventually the back thingie fell off and
I tossed it into a drawer. I suppose I could find it and shove it back in, but
that would probably hurt. However, having had an earring, I think I can just
check it off the list.
Step 4: Date a much younger woman
This is the tricky one, as I have trouble getting dates with
women my own age, much less one who is younger. I mean, I have a truck with a
hole in it that belches flame, hair in inappropriate places, and an earring in
a drawer. These are not three things conducive to romance, so unless there’s a
highly specialized online dating site for old hairy guys with old trucks and closed
up holes in their ears who want to meet younger women, I may be out of luck.
Step 5: Don’t bother
Yeah, that’s probably the safe solution. I mean, I want a
woman to love me because of who I am, not because I (hypothetically) have a
nice car, hair, and facial adornments. Granted, who I am is not much of a
catch, so yeah, back to the dark place with no other people.
Unless there’s a dating site for that, which would be cool.
Cheers,
-Jason
