Dramatization

I was watching television the other day and a tooth paste commercial came on. During the commercial, they showed little happy bubble creatures swarming through a mouth, cheerfully scrubbing away the plaque. Two things occurred to me as I was watching this.

The first was that this commercial was almost identical to the ones for bathtub cleaning products. Think about it: both feature determined soap-like creatures scrubbing away dirt/grime/blood. Both take place somewhere you really don’t want to think about (bathrooms/your mouth). And both products are a direct result of something you did. Probably something filthy.

Seriously, you could swap the soundtracks for any two of those commercials and unless you were actually paying attention, you probably wouldn’t realize that a switch had been made.

The second thing that caught my attention about the tooth paste commercial was as the happy, bubble men were swarming through the mouth like happy, bubbly locusts, fine print appeared at the bottom of the screen that said ‘Dramatization.’
Now, I’m reasonably certain that most people are smart enough to realize that their toothpaste is not comprised of legions of sentient, paste-centered beings whose existence revolves around removing plaque and other icky things from their teeth. Obviously, the companies have to put those disclaimers to protect themselves and all that.

But wouldn’t it be so much more fun if there really were little plaque fighting men in your toothpaste?

Picture this: your mouth is the Gate of Mordor and all the plaque and bacteria and stuff are really orcs and trolls and other fell creatures. They’re there to not only rot your teeth, but to destroy the very world. Your toothpaste is full of little Gondorian soldiers and Elves and Rohirrim and Dwarves and Wizards and Ents and stuff and they’re attacking, intent on not only defeating the hosts of Mordor, but protecting the very world from the evil that is in your mouth.

Doesn’t that sound cool? You’re not just brushing your teeth, you’re fighting EVIL. The very world hangs in the balance and all that stands in the way of utter defeat is you brushing for the recommended 2 minutes twice a day.

If someone had told me this when I was a kid, it would have saved my parents a ton of money in dental bills.

Now I just need to work flossing into the analogy somehow.

Cheers,
-Jason

Kinda Poopy

Sorry, folks. I'm feeling kinda poopy today, so no blog.

I did try to write one, but I kept coming back to the essential fact that I was wiped. For example:

How about those orcs, eh? They don't even get to go to the prom! I wonder if they ever feel poopy. Seriously. Do orcs get tired and achy? I sure do. I wonder if orcs have Sudafed? I do love Sudafed.

You get the picture.

I'll try and get a full blog up tomorrow, so stay tuned.

Cheers,
-Jason

My Body Hates Me

Last night, I didn't have insomnia.

Seriously.

I was out like a light. I was makin’ ‘Zs.’ I was (probably) snoring like a lactose intolerant were-boar who’d just eaten an entire pizza.

I would like to say it was marvelous, but I don’t recall any of it.

So, of course, my body decided that just wouldn’t do, so I awoke at 5:17 am with a full body cramp.

Literally, my entire body went ‘crap!’ and just knotted it up. Needless to say, I woke up. I actually had to get up and walk around for a bit until things loosened up. This, of course, woke me up even more, so I didn’t really fall back asleep before getting up at 7:15 to work out.

This has led me to one conclusion: my body hates me.

I don’t know why or how, but there you go. Maybe I mistreated it in the past. Maybe I forgot to buy it flowers on our anniversary. I dunno. All I do know is that it’s bound and determined to never let me actually get a full night’s sleep.

I guess I shouldn’t complain too much. Most of the blogs come from me staring at the ceiling at 3 am thinking about things like 'Mordor’s Idol,' which would be a talent show where orcs sang. Other orcs would vote by throwing things at them, like axes and severed heads.

Needless to say, I’m going to be early tonight.

Anyway, look for a new chunk of Art the Wanderer next Sunday and the usual silliness the rest of the week. And please vote! Often! With extreme prejudice!

Cheers,
-Jason

Krunk Funny!: Part 1

I was thinking about orcs the other day. I don’t know why I do this. Most people think about sane things like mortgages, their jobs, getting braces for Junior, and lawn care. Me, orcs. And stormtroopers. And Cthulhu waking up after untold millennia of sleep, checking his watch and going ‘Crap! I overslept by three thousand years!’ and rushing off to get his tentacles waxed.

But, as is typical, I digress.

So, orcs. I was wondering, in those moments in betwixt fighting, eating, making more orcs, and the civic light opera, what do orcs do for fun? My first thought was ‘macaroni ducks,’ but they’d probably just eat the macaroni and the paste (and frankly, the paper plates). Also, lacking fridges, they would have no real place to display them. Not to mention the fact that they probably don’t know what a duck looks like. If they ever got that far into the process, they’d probably just end up making ‘macaroni orcs’ and then get into a fight over whose was better.

NOTE: Macaroni Saurons could be a nice alternative.

Then it hit me: stand-up comedy. Other than a good sense of humor and the ability to shout, you don’t really need any equipment. Unless, of course, you were a prop comic, in which case you’d just need a variety of severed heads, of which there would probably be dozens just lying around.

Tomorrow: Part 2

Orcs Have No Prom: Part 2

Basically, orcs are just guys that haven’t been around women in a really, really long time. It’s not really their fault, they just reveling in the fact that no one’s making them use a coaster.

On the other hand, orc women could be so mean and nasty that the guys will do anything to get away from them, even if it means becoming cannon-fodder for whatever Lord of Evil happens to set-up shop nearby.

Orc Woman: Where are you going?

Orc Male: Uh, I heard Sauron was hiring an’ thought I’d go apply.

Orc Woman: You’re not just sneaking out to party with your idiot friends are you? ‘Cause the roof’s leaking, the shed burned down, junior needs to be changed, and my mother’s coming for an extended visit, so you need to build a second outhouse!

Orc Male: Uhhh, no. I was just gonna go sack Minas Tirith an’ fight some humans an’ stuff.

Orc Woman: Minas Tirith?

Orc Male: Yeah, that’s what I heard.

Orc Woman: Then bring me something nice! You’re always going off to war and leaving me here all by myself!

Orc Man: Yes, dear.

Orc Woman: Now get going! And apply yourself this time! Maybe you can finally make sergeant! Burta’s husband made sergeant last war and look how nice their shack is!

Orc Male: Yes, dear. Can I go now!

Orc Woman: Yes!

Cheers,
-Jason

Orcs Have No Prom: Part 1

Quick question: Where are the girl orcs?

I’ve read The Lord of the Rings and the Silmarillian dozens of times. I’ve seen the moves three or four times all the way through. I have killed, literally, hundreds of thousands of orcs while playing video games and DnD. I have even played an orc on a few occasions.

Yet, I rarely hear mention of the female of the species. Tolkien, if I remember correctly, said that orcs were tortured elves and that the orcs bred more when evil was strong. I cannot, however, recall a single female orc ever being mentioned.

Obviously, there have to be some around somewhere. They would have to be pretty tough and/or vicious as well, to survive both childbirth and frankly, other orcs.

This sort of explains a lot about orc culture in so much that they don’t really have one. Think about it: what do guys do when there aren’t any women around? They drink beer and watch football. If they’re without women for an extended period of time, it gets even worse. First the hygiene goes, then the trash doesn’t get taken out, the toilet doesn’t get scrubbed, and pretty soon, guys are building fires in their living rooms, painting themselves with mud, carrying sharp weapons, and following the Dark Lord.

Tomorrow: Part 2