Mahandas Ghandi: Werewolf Puncher

This was recently sent to me by a friend who shall remain nameless (Laura). It actually looks fun and I would probably go see it given sufficient prodding:
Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter


This led to some internet detecting and I discovered this gem: Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter


Apparently this is some sort of ‘thing,’ wherein you take a historical figure and have them fight the forces of evil. It makes a weird sort of sense. Historical figures are to put it mildly, historical, and therefore more or less famous. Their names are readily recognizable and therefore make for free publicity. After all, no one would go see ‘Jason Janicki: Ninja Fighter,’ but ‘Genghis Khan: Ninja Fighter’ is an instant draw.

NOTE: Obviously, my immediate family would have to go see it. After all, I am the youngest, so if they have any hope of someone taking care of them when they get old, they have to humor me. Plus, I know where they live.

So, in order to cash in on what will probably become a trend, I’ve assembled a list of people, creatures, and actions so people (such as you) can make their own ‘X battles Y’ mash-ups. Simply pick one from each column and you’ve got a title you can use:

NOTE: Blogger hates columns, so use your imagination.

George Washington Armadillo Puncher
Thomas Jefferson Zombie Killer
Mohandas Gandhi Nazi Fighter
Anne Frank Werewolf Kicker
Margaret Thatcher Nerd Spooker
Ramses II Clown Strangler
George Patton World Smasher
Andrew Jackson Vampire Stabber
Mother Theresa Demon Hunter
Helen Keller Mummy Thrasher
Mary Shelley Dragon Tamer
Cleopatra Hamster Destroyer
Louis XIV Devil Crusher

Personally, I would totally see Anne Frank: Nazi Hunter. I have this mental image of a young girl wielding an iron bound book on a chain (like a meteor hammer – the ball on a long chain like the evil schoolgirl in Kill Bill used) beating the hell out of a lot of Nazis. I realize that Anne Frank died tragically and I have the utmost respect for her and her work, but I would still pay to see a fictionalized version of her beat the crap out of a lot of bad men.

Anyway, I’m sure you get the idea. And, obviously, should you make a multi-million dollar feature film using my title generator, I would appreciate a small gratuity, say 5% of gross. Or, you could just let me meet Olivia Wilde and have her pretend not to be horrified.

Cheers,
-Jason

This Blog is Rated ‘S’ for Stupidity

I watch a fair number of movies and have noticed that the MPAA ratings seem to be getting weirdly specific. For example, a PG film used to say ‘Some material may be inappropriate for younger children.’ This was fine and dandy.

Now, however, they’re getting more and more specific about what’s actually in the film. The Spiderwick Chronicles, for example, was “Rated PG for scary creature action and violence, peril and some thematic elements.” Stardust was rated “PG-13 for fantasy violence and some risqué humor.” Saw III was rated R for “grisly violence, and gore, terror, language and drug content.”

NOTE: I have no idea why all the movies I listed began with ‘S.’ I blame my mother.

Obviously, the MPAA is trying to give parents a greater degree of information so they can make informed choices about what they’re kids are watching. However, if you can’t guess that The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation contains “demented mayhem and torture, and strong language,” you probably aren’t paying attention.

However, being the concerned citizen that I am, I have decided to create some new, more informative rating descriptions for the MPAA.

“Rated PG for comedic violence to the groin with a baseball.”
“Rated PG-13 for language, including the ‘F’ word, the ‘S’ word, the ‘PH’ word, and several misused vowels.”
“Rated R for a really sweet scene where I guy gets machine-gunned by a Chihuahua.”
“Rated R for strong sexual content, nudity, heavy petting, 1st through 3rd base, and a designated hitter.”
“Rated NC-17 for some seriously demented Sh*t. Seriously. We totally warned you.”
“Rated R for sexual misuse of Mexican food.”
“Rated G for cuteness. Teddy Bears are singing and dancing. Your five-year-old will love it. You will be bored out of your mind.”
“Rated PG-13 for stupidity. We warned you.”
“Rated R for something. We didn’t actually watch it, but the poster looked kinda violent. There’s a guy with a gun, so we figured an ‘R’ was a safe bet.”
“Rated NC-17 for being incomprehensible, weird, nonsensical, cacophonic, and in French.”

Cheers,
-Jason