Fact: Most Walls Are Solid

I walked into a wall the other day.

Now, I could lie and say it was a ninja wall or fitted with spikes or something. I suppose I could even get away with saying it was invisible. I mean, no one seems to bat an eye when I ramble on about fighting mimes and ninjas, so running into an invisible wall would just seem par for the course.

Sadly, however, it was none of the above. It was a perfectly ordinary, flat, off-white wall that I managed to more or less punch myself in the face with. And, just in case you hadn’t noticed, walls are pretty damn solid and generally non-ambulatory.

Note: Now, I hesitate to say that all walls are solid, as I have not made an exhaustive study of them, but I can reasonably say that in my experience, most are. This particular wall was most definitely solid.

At this point, you might be wondering how I managed to do this. You may also be wondering why you’re reading a blog about a guy who not only walks into walls, but admits it publically.

No, I don’t know why either.

Imagine if you will, an apartment with a TV, a giant bean bag, and five swords, a sallet, and a mace hung on the walls or sitting on shelves. This is not because I’m a huge nerd. It’s in case there’s a sudden zombie apocalypse. Well, okay, it’s because I’m a huge nerd. Now imagine Olivia Wilde is there wearing her outfit from TRON. Now imagine she has a twin sister. Wait, as long as we’re doing this: Three Olivia Wilds, 2-dozen bottles of real-sugar Coke, a big bowl of popcorn, and the entirety of Farscape on Blu-Ray.

Yes. Colossal nerd.

Here’s the real story. I was walking out of the bathroom after having just washed my glasses. There’s a short hallway, with my living room to the right and my cyber lair to the left. Yes, I have a cyber lair (enormous nerd). Anyway, as I was raising my glasses to put them on, I turned left about half-a-second too early. My right arm missed the wall and I continued forward, ramming the left side of my face directly into the wall.

Bad words were said. In fact, I may have made up several new ones. After some hopping around and continued swearing, I went back into the bathroom to inspect the damage. I had managed to hit myself just off to the side of my left eye. It was tender, but there was no swelling. The wall was fine.

Well, there you have it. I didn’t give myself a black eye, though in hindsight, I could have made up a killer story about muggers or ninjas. My face is still a little sore, but fear not, my good looks are still intact.

So, to sum up: I’m dumb enough to not only walk into a wall, but to tell people about it. It is always possible that I’ll do it again at a later date, which is why I duct-taped a pillow to the wall. It never hurts to be prepared.

Or to be a ginormous nerd.

Cheers,
-Jason

Mahandas Ghandi: Werewolf Puncher

This was recently sent to me by a friend who shall remain nameless (Laura). It actually looks fun and I would probably go see it given sufficient prodding:
Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter


This led to some internet detecting and I discovered this gem: Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter


Apparently this is some sort of ‘thing,’ wherein you take a historical figure and have them fight the forces of evil. It makes a weird sort of sense. Historical figures are to put it mildly, historical, and therefore more or less famous. Their names are readily recognizable and therefore make for free publicity. After all, no one would go see ‘Jason Janicki: Ninja Fighter,’ but ‘Genghis Khan: Ninja Fighter’ is an instant draw.

NOTE: Obviously, my immediate family would have to go see it. After all, I am the youngest, so if they have any hope of someone taking care of them when they get old, they have to humor me. Plus, I know where they live.

So, in order to cash in on what will probably become a trend, I’ve assembled a list of people, creatures, and actions so people (such as you) can make their own ‘X battles Y’ mash-ups. Simply pick one from each column and you’ve got a title you can use:

NOTE: Blogger hates columns, so use your imagination.

George Washington Armadillo Puncher
Thomas Jefferson Zombie Killer
Mohandas Gandhi Nazi Fighter
Anne Frank Werewolf Kicker
Margaret Thatcher Nerd Spooker
Ramses II Clown Strangler
George Patton World Smasher
Andrew Jackson Vampire Stabber
Mother Theresa Demon Hunter
Helen Keller Mummy Thrasher
Mary Shelley Dragon Tamer
Cleopatra Hamster Destroyer
Louis XIV Devil Crusher

Personally, I would totally see Anne Frank: Nazi Hunter. I have this mental image of a young girl wielding an iron bound book on a chain (like a meteor hammer – the ball on a long chain like the evil schoolgirl in Kill Bill used) beating the hell out of a lot of Nazis. I realize that Anne Frank died tragically and I have the utmost respect for her and her work, but I would still pay to see a fictionalized version of her beat the crap out of a lot of bad men.

Anyway, I’m sure you get the idea. And, obviously, should you make a multi-million dollar feature film using my title generator, I would appreciate a small gratuity, say 5% of gross. Or, you could just let me meet Olivia Wilde and have her pretend not to be horrified.

Cheers,
-Jason