Not-Little John of Sherwood
One of the most illustrious nerds of yore was Not-Little John of Sherwood, who was one of Robin Hood’s Merry Men. He was called ‘Not-Little John’ because they refused to call him ‘SlaughterMaster John, Destroyer of Worlds.’
After a tumultuous period, where he was referred to variously as ‘Smelly’ John, ‘Rancid’ John, ‘Round’ John, and ‘Lady Margret’ John, ‘Not-Little’ John eventually became the accepted nickname, though he would have vastly preferred ‘Colossal’ John.
At any rate, Not-Little was Robin’s official statistician. He was given this job as he proved completely incompetent in a fight, lacked any sense of subtlety, and had the woodman-ship skills of an incontinent sea lion. They also attempted to use him as a spy, a courier, a bar-maid, and a theoretical physicist, but he roundly failed at all these as well.
However, Not-Little John was, in fact, an amazing statistician. He would happily spend hours compiling reams and reams of mostly useless data and entering it into a strange, grid format he developed.
He kept records on arrows fired (with hits and misses), ale quaffed, soldiers fought, soldiers slain, soldiers wounded, soldiers annoyed, maidens kissed, targets hit, gold stolen, swords crossed, beef consumed, and quips made (scored on a scale of 1-10).
Not-Little would present these figures to Robin regularly and would happily point out trends and give advice, which centered around trying to get Maid Marion’s hot handmaiden to go out with him. It is unknown if Robin made any use of his advice and figures.
After Robin defeated the Sherriff and took back his lands, Not-Little was given a purse of gold and a letter of recommendation and sent on his way.
Not-Little eventually settled in northern England and opened a store that sold picture books. However, Not-Little’s greatest contribution to nerdom came when he published his collected statistics along with a set of rules and inadvertently created the first character-based war-game and coincidentally, Fantasy Baseball.
Look for more nerds of yore in coming weeks!
Cheers,
-Jason
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Let Me In
Here's another funny cat video:
Also, people have been asking when a new page will be up. The answer is . . . SOON!
We are working on the next page as I type and will get it up ASAP.
We apologize for the delays, but what with con season and losing our colorist, things have been hectic. We will be posting weekly and without warning for a while until we get things straightened out. Don't worry, though, we're not going anywhere.
Actually, I will be going to the store later today, but that's not quite the same thing. Leigh might also be going somewhere as well. I will definately be going to Tacoma on Saturday. I don't know what Leigh will be doing. Wayfarer's Moon, however, will be staying put and won't be going anywhere.
It can't, actually.
Well, the server could be moved. Does that count?
Anyway, Wayfarer's Moon will continue updating and hopefully we will get back to bi-weekly in a while.
Cheers,
-Jason
Also, people have been asking when a new page will be up. The answer is . . . SOON!
We are working on the next page as I type and will get it up ASAP.
We apologize for the delays, but what with con season and losing our colorist, things have been hectic. We will be posting weekly and without warning for a while until we get things straightened out. Don't worry, though, we're not going anywhere.
Actually, I will be going to the store later today, but that's not quite the same thing. Leigh might also be going somewhere as well. I will definately be going to Tacoma on Saturday. I don't know what Leigh will be doing. Wayfarer's Moon, however, will be staying put and won't be going anywhere.
It can't, actually.
Well, the server could be moved. Does that count?
Anyway, Wayfarer's Moon will continue updating and hopefully we will get back to bi-weekly in a while.
Cheers,
-Jason
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Nerds of Yore: Part 2
The Punic Flame War
Many of you, I’m sure, know of the various Punic wars, where Rome and Carthage did battle over who could make the most atrocious puns.
I’m kidding of course. It had something to do with peanut butter. I think.
Anyhow, there was a much lesser known chapter of the 2nd Punic War called the Punic Flame War. While Scipio and Hannibal were vigorously trying to stab each other with armies, a flame war was going on, considered by many to be the greatest flame war of the Ancient world.
Scholars debate who drafted the first flame, but the earliest example found was sent to the Carthaginians by the Romans.
It reads, in part: HANNIBAL SMELLS OF ELEPHANT POO! SCIPIO IS TEH ROXORUS!
The Punic Flame War went on for a full twenty years, three years longer than the actual 2nd Punic War itself. While only two nerds actually died during the conflict (one choked on a fig, the other fell off a donkey), many fingers were smudged by ink and many a nerd was brought to tears by the cruel words of his foes.
As is the case with modern flame wars, no one really won the Punic Flame War. The participants either grew bored with it and turned their attention to the Dragonball IIV forum or were forced to work in the family amphora shop under threat of being kicked out of the house.
Though the names of these ancient flame warriors will probably never be discovered (save for Maximus Flattulus, one of the most prolific of the Romans), it is agreed that the Punic Flame War is one of the most important periods in nerd history.
Later: Medieval Nerds
Many of you, I’m sure, know of the various Punic wars, where Rome and Carthage did battle over who could make the most atrocious puns.
I’m kidding of course. It had something to do with peanut butter. I think.
Anyhow, there was a much lesser known chapter of the 2nd Punic War called the Punic Flame War. While Scipio and Hannibal were vigorously trying to stab each other with armies, a flame war was going on, considered by many to be the greatest flame war of the Ancient world.
Scholars debate who drafted the first flame, but the earliest example found was sent to the Carthaginians by the Romans.
It reads, in part: HANNIBAL SMELLS OF ELEPHANT POO! SCIPIO IS TEH ROXORUS!
The Punic Flame War went on for a full twenty years, three years longer than the actual 2nd Punic War itself. While only two nerds actually died during the conflict (one choked on a fig, the other fell off a donkey), many fingers were smudged by ink and many a nerd was brought to tears by the cruel words of his foes.
As is the case with modern flame wars, no one really won the Punic Flame War. The participants either grew bored with it and turned their attention to the Dragonball IIV forum or were forced to work in the family amphora shop under threat of being kicked out of the house.
Though the names of these ancient flame warriors will probably never be discovered (save for Maximus Flattulus, one of the most prolific of the Romans), it is agreed that the Punic Flame War is one of the most important periods in nerd history.
Later: Medieval Nerds
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Nerds of Yore: Part 1
We nerds are much maligned in society. We are sneered at as being uncoordinated, unwashed, and generally lacking in social skills. This is, unfortunately, completely true.
However, this does not mean that we do not have a proud history, a tradition of annoying others with mind-numbing trivia, quotes from popular entertainment, or flaming each other with ‘X can beat-up Y for Z reasons’ missives.
Yet, many nerds are unaware of their long and storied lineage. They know not of Flavius Myopicus, who wrote the first gladiator-based fanfic. The name John ‘DethLord’ Baker, the first nerd to ever misspell ‘death’ on purpose, is not given the reverence it is due.
To remedy this, I have done extensive research (10, 15 minutes tops) on the nerds, dorks, and geeks who shaped modern nerdom and now present to you, the Nerds of Yore.
The Ur-Nerd
Considered by many scholars to be the first true nerd, precious little is known about the Ur-Nerd, save that he was of Sumerian descent and probably didn’t get a date to the prom.
The only record of the Ur-Nerd is a single stele known as the Stele of the Geek. Inscribed on it is what scholars believe is the first ‘rant,’ which details the Ur-Nerds thoughts on why Gilgamesh could totally kick Marduk’s butt.
The Stele is currently housed in the British Museum and is only displayed to patrons who know what Kirk’s brother’s name was.
Tomorrow: Geekus Maximus.
Note: Kirk’s brother’s name was George Samuel Kirk, Jr.
Note: Yes, I’m a nerd.
However, this does not mean that we do not have a proud history, a tradition of annoying others with mind-numbing trivia, quotes from popular entertainment, or flaming each other with ‘X can beat-up Y for Z reasons’ missives.
Yet, many nerds are unaware of their long and storied lineage. They know not of Flavius Myopicus, who wrote the first gladiator-based fanfic. The name John ‘DethLord’ Baker, the first nerd to ever misspell ‘death’ on purpose, is not given the reverence it is due.
To remedy this, I have done extensive research (10, 15 minutes tops) on the nerds, dorks, and geeks who shaped modern nerdom and now present to you, the Nerds of Yore.
The Ur-Nerd
Considered by many scholars to be the first true nerd, precious little is known about the Ur-Nerd, save that he was of Sumerian descent and probably didn’t get a date to the prom.
The only record of the Ur-Nerd is a single stele known as the Stele of the Geek. Inscribed on it is what scholars believe is the first ‘rant,’ which details the Ur-Nerds thoughts on why Gilgamesh could totally kick Marduk’s butt.
The Stele is currently housed in the British Museum and is only displayed to patrons who know what Kirk’s brother’s name was.
Tomorrow: Geekus Maximus.
Note: Kirk’s brother’s name was George Samuel Kirk, Jr.
Note: Yes, I’m a nerd.
Friday, May 23, 2008
Recess
I have figured out what is wrong with the world today. As adults, we never get to have recess.
Oh, sure, we surf the net from time to time or hang around the water cooler/coffee machine/foosball table/stripper pole to talk about the latest news/tv show/inane blog/strippers, but these are at best furtive measures, as we all know we should really be working.
Hence, recess, which is defined as a ‘temporary withdrawal or cessation from the usual work or activity.’ Or, to put it more succinctly, a time to play 4-Square and Tetherball.
Note: I was the Tetherball king of my school. I was, frankly, Olympic material.
Think about it, what’s the real difference between school and work? You’re there against your will, your supervisor forgets your name, you don’t understand what’s going on, and the people around you frequently pick their noses and eat paste.
If you needed recess in school, you need it twice as much during work.
Therefore, I think the government should mandate two, 20-minute recesses a day, where you have to go outside (or at least leave the cubicle) and play for a while. You can play 4-Square, Tetherball, Touch-Football, Kickball, Craps, or even a rousing game of Tag.
Note: Some schools have banned Tag as being exclusionary and overly aggressive. I would suggest that life is exclusionary and overly aggressive.
The only rule would be that you have to play. You can’t work, you can’t talk about work, nor can you talk on your cell-phone, check your mail, or hide a body. You just have to play.
Then, when the bell rings, you can go back to your cubicle, perhaps slightly winded, and relish the fact that you just kicked ass at Tetherball.
Cheers,
-Jason
Oh, sure, we surf the net from time to time or hang around the water cooler/coffee machine/foosball table/stripper pole to talk about the latest news/tv show/inane blog/strippers, but these are at best furtive measures, as we all know we should really be working.
Hence, recess, which is defined as a ‘temporary withdrawal or cessation from the usual work or activity.’ Or, to put it more succinctly, a time to play 4-Square and Tetherball.
Note: I was the Tetherball king of my school. I was, frankly, Olympic material.
Think about it, what’s the real difference between school and work? You’re there against your will, your supervisor forgets your name, you don’t understand what’s going on, and the people around you frequently pick their noses and eat paste.
If you needed recess in school, you need it twice as much during work.
Therefore, I think the government should mandate two, 20-minute recesses a day, where you have to go outside (or at least leave the cubicle) and play for a while. You can play 4-Square, Tetherball, Touch-Football, Kickball, Craps, or even a rousing game of Tag.
Note: Some schools have banned Tag as being exclusionary and overly aggressive. I would suggest that life is exclusionary and overly aggressive.
The only rule would be that you have to play. You can’t work, you can’t talk about work, nor can you talk on your cell-phone, check your mail, or hide a body. You just have to play.
Then, when the bell rings, you can go back to your cubicle, perhaps slightly winded, and relish the fact that you just kicked ass at Tetherball.
Cheers,
-Jason
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Cat Man Do
Here's a funny little video sent to me a while ago.
I just love how accurately the cat is animated.
Cheers,
-Jason
I just love how accurately the cat is animated.
Cheers,
-Jason
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Ask Gorg: Part 2
Gorg,
I hate all this killing that the other Orcs like so much and most of all I hate eating entrails every day. I want to become a vegetarian! What should I do?The Vegie Orc
Dear Vegie Orc,
You seem to have two problems: One, you hate killing. Two, you like vegetables.
As far as the killing goes, I have one word for you: Accountant. Yes, Sauron needs accountants. The Great Eye has all the psychotic killers he can handle, what he really needs is orcs who can count past two. Massive armies of Evil don’t run themselves, they need entrails, weapons, armor, and knitting supplies by the ton (the ogres love knitting, don’t know why). As an Accountant, you can help make sure the books are balanced, the Nazgul get fed, and the entrails keep flowing in.
Vegetables, eh? Well, if you become an Accountant, Sauron will give you whatever you want. You’ll have more vegetables that you need and a couple dozen bodyguards who’ll kill anyone who dares mock you.
Gorg,
I don’t feel like I’m reaching my full potential. I kill lots of orcs and men and horses and whatever, but I never seem to get promoted or recognized. What can I do?
Vorok, the Many-Killer
Dear Vorok,
Maybe you’re too good a killer. If you kill everyone, no one will be around to point out how great you are. Next time you’re in a battle or a fight, try leaving someone alive or just maiming a couple of them. They’ll let everyone know what a vicious bastard you are and the promotions and recognition will flow in.
Send more questions to Gorg and he will answer them. Until then, kill them and feast on their entrails.
I hate all this killing that the other Orcs like so much and most of all I hate eating entrails every day. I want to become a vegetarian! What should I do?The Vegie Orc
Dear Vegie Orc,
You seem to have two problems: One, you hate killing. Two, you like vegetables.
As far as the killing goes, I have one word for you: Accountant. Yes, Sauron needs accountants. The Great Eye has all the psychotic killers he can handle, what he really needs is orcs who can count past two. Massive armies of Evil don’t run themselves, they need entrails, weapons, armor, and knitting supplies by the ton (the ogres love knitting, don’t know why). As an Accountant, you can help make sure the books are balanced, the Nazgul get fed, and the entrails keep flowing in.
Vegetables, eh? Well, if you become an Accountant, Sauron will give you whatever you want. You’ll have more vegetables that you need and a couple dozen bodyguards who’ll kill anyone who dares mock you.
Gorg,
I don’t feel like I’m reaching my full potential. I kill lots of orcs and men and horses and whatever, but I never seem to get promoted or recognized. What can I do?
Vorok, the Many-Killer
Dear Vorok,
Maybe you’re too good a killer. If you kill everyone, no one will be around to point out how great you are. Next time you’re in a battle or a fight, try leaving someone alive or just maiming a couple of them. They’ll let everyone know what a vicious bastard you are and the promotions and recognition will flow in.
Send more questions to Gorg and he will answer them. Until then, kill them and feast on their entrails.
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