Ask Gorg: Part 2

Gorg,
I hate all this killing that the other Orcs like so much and most of all I hate eating entrails every day. I want to become a vegetarian! What should I do?The Vegie Orc

Dear Vegie Orc,
You seem to have two problems: One, you hate killing. Two, you like vegetables.

As far as the killing goes, I have one word for you: Accountant. Yes, Sauron needs accountants. The Great Eye has all the psychotic killers he can handle, what he really needs is orcs who can count past two. Massive armies of Evil don’t run themselves, they need entrails, weapons, armor, and knitting supplies by the ton (the ogres love knitting, don’t know why). As an Accountant, you can help make sure the books are balanced, the Nazgul get fed, and the entrails keep flowing in.

Vegetables, eh? Well, if you become an Accountant, Sauron will give you whatever you want. You’ll have more vegetables that you need and a couple dozen bodyguards who’ll kill anyone who dares mock you.

Gorg,
I don’t feel like I’m reaching my full potential. I kill lots of orcs and men and horses and whatever, but I never seem to get promoted or recognized. What can I do?

Vorok, the Many-Killer

Dear Vorok,
Maybe you’re too good a killer. If you kill everyone, no one will be around to point out how great you are. Next time you’re in a battle or a fight, try leaving someone alive or just maiming a couple of them. They’ll let everyone know what a vicious bastard you are and the promotions and recognition will flow in.

Send more questions to Gorg and he will answer them. Until then, kill them and feast on their entrails.

Ask Gorg: Part 1

Whilst on the plane home from San Jose, I found a newspaper stuffed in the little magazine holder in front of me. I casually flipped through it and noticed the advice column. It had the standard ‘husband problem,’ ‘kid problem,’ and ‘mucous beast from other dimension problem’ that are the primary kinds of letters featured.

It then occurred to me that it would be funny to write in with some bizarre problem and ask for advice. However, they probably quite a few extremely weird letters, so mine would probably not rate very highly.

Then, being a nerd, I wondered who orcs would turn to when they desperately needed advice? Who would they trust with their innermost thoughts and feelings?

Gorg,
There is an orc in my unit that I hate. He always pushes me and tries to steal my food. What should I do?
Thork

Dear Thork,
Kill him and eat his entrails.

Gorg,
Sometimes the other orcs make fun of me because I like flowers. I just think they’re pretty (the flowers, not the orcs) and like to put them on my armor. How can I get them to stop making fun of me?
Orc with Flower

Dear Orc with Flower,
Kill them and eat their entrails. If you kill enough of them, no one will laugh at you for liking flowers.

Tomorrow: Part 2