NOTE: In a twist of fate, my DSL went out again just as I was about to post this, though it came back on after about a minute. I thought it rather ironic. It’s like rain on your wedding day. Or good advice, you just can’t SLAPS SELF. Sorry, just a bit of an Alanis Morissette moment. It’s over now.
Phone rings
“Hello, and thank you for calling DataDemon technical support. This is Linda, how can I help you?”
NOTE: My DSL provider is not called DataDemon. I really, really wish it were though.
“Hi, Linda. My DSL is out and I’d like to get it back.”
“I’m sorry to hear that, sir. I’ll see what I can do. First, I’ll need your full name and date of birth.”
“Jason Janicki, 8/2/1709”
“Very good. Now, can you tell me your mother’s maiden name?”
“Uhhh, sure. It’s Theimpaler.”
“Excellent. Now then, is your DSL modem plugged in?”
“Yep.”
“Have you fed it recently?”
“No I- wait what?”
“Have you fed it?”
“Uhhhhhh. I was unaware they needed food.”
“Oh, yes. Most anything will do, but they prefer a freshly slaughtered chicken.”
“Would a bucket of KFC do?”
“Absolutely. They prefer Original Recipe. Just put the modem directly in the bucket.”
“Right.”
“Now then, how many lights are lit on your modem?”
“Good. Are you wearing pants?”
“Yes.”
“Are you sure?”
“Pretty much, yeah.”
“Then go ahead and take them off.”
“How will this help?”
“Pants can store an electrostatic charge that may interfere with the signal.”
“Are you suggesting that I not wear pants when surfing the net?”
“Absolutely.”
“Right. So you’re professional recommendation is that I don’t wear pants and to ‘feed’ my modem in a bucket of Original Recipe KFC?”
“Correct.”
“And this will fix my DSL problem?”
“That depends. Do you have a web camera?”
“Yes.”
“Well, do what I said and turn on your web cam. If we find it funny enough, we’ll hook you back up.”
Now, I’m not a proud man, but I have my limits. This was not one of them. As you can see, my DSL is now back up, so yeah.
And no, I won’t turn the camera on again.
Cheers,
-Jason
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Tech Support: Part 1
My DSL went down the other day. It’s always weird when that happens, as I suddenly realize that almost my entire life revolves around my computer and the ability to get onto the web. I mean, I can still use my computer, but what’s the point? If I can’t look up ‘nasal warts’ on Wikipedia at a moment’s notice, what good is it?
NOTE: In a cruel twist of irony, there is no article on ‘nasal warts.’ Wikipedia did suggest ‘naval wars’ which seemed to be an acceptable substitute.
With my DSL down, my only options were to:
1. Call Tech Support
2. Go outside and discover the joy and wonder of the world. Maybe meet a nice girl. Date. Perhaps get married and start a family. Raise our children in a loving household and pass on my knowledge of all things nerdy.
3. Watch TV
Needless to say, I chose ‘Call Tech Support.’
Now, I’m sure many of you don’t like tech support. I’m sure tech support people don’t like tech support. In fact, there’s probably a layer of hell where sinners do nothing but take support calls. Actually, there’s probably a group of damned who’s punishment is to call tech support, which another group’s punishment is to provide said tech support. It’s like a Moebius strip of anguish.
However, I was a little put out by the tech support I received. It just seemed ‘off.’ The young lady I talked to, let’s call her ‘Linda,’ asked some odd questions. I felt like I had to answer, as I really, really wanted my DSL back, though I’m not sure how my blood type (O-), occupation (village idiot), or social security number (you wish) really mattered. Here’s the transcript:
Tomorrow: Part 2
NOTE: In a cruel twist of irony, there is no article on ‘nasal warts.’ Wikipedia did suggest ‘naval wars’ which seemed to be an acceptable substitute.
With my DSL down, my only options were to:
1. Call Tech Support
2. Go outside and discover the joy and wonder of the world. Maybe meet a nice girl. Date. Perhaps get married and start a family. Raise our children in a loving household and pass on my knowledge of all things nerdy.
3. Watch TV
Needless to say, I chose ‘Call Tech Support.’
Now, I’m sure many of you don’t like tech support. I’m sure tech support people don’t like tech support. In fact, there’s probably a layer of hell where sinners do nothing but take support calls. Actually, there’s probably a group of damned who’s punishment is to call tech support, which another group’s punishment is to provide said tech support. It’s like a Moebius strip of anguish.
However, I was a little put out by the tech support I received. It just seemed ‘off.’ The young lady I talked to, let’s call her ‘Linda,’ asked some odd questions. I felt like I had to answer, as I really, really wanted my DSL back, though I’m not sure how my blood type (O-), occupation (village idiot), or social security number (you wish) really mattered. Here’s the transcript:
Tomorrow: Part 2
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Sciencegasm!
I was in one of my favorite teriyaki places for lunch today. Not only do they have good food, but they have a colossal assortment of gossip magazines to read, so I spent my lunch break feasting and reading about Kim Kardashian’s boobs.
The magazine was mostly pictures of celebrities, but they also had a large section on the various ‘reality’ TV shows currently airing. Now I really don’t care for reality TV. I just find it dull. I mean, if I want to watch people yelling at each other, I can just go sit on my porch for an hour.
This got me thinking: what kind of reality show would I watch?
Setting aside the obvious (hot women mud-wrestling), I would want a reality show about science. Let’s call it: Sciencegasm!
Here’s the premise. You take a dozen or so scientists from varying fields, stick them in a house with an attached lab containing all the equipment they’d ever want, give them a challenge, and then lock them in for six months. Oh, and film it, obviously.
This would rock. Take a bunch of engineers, mathematicians, physicists, and scientists from other disciplines, say ‘build me a functional light saber’ and then film them hashing it out. If they succeed, they get a stupidly large sum of money. If they don’t succeed, we put all the footage of them in the bathroom on the internet.
Not only would it be entertaining, but think of the advances we could make: Efficient electric cars, teleportation, dog translators (SQUIRREL!), or a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese that was actually good for you. This show could very well save humanity.
And yes, if necessary, we could throw some in some hot women for the cat fights. Everyone loves a good cat fight.
Cheers,
-Jason
The magazine was mostly pictures of celebrities, but they also had a large section on the various ‘reality’ TV shows currently airing. Now I really don’t care for reality TV. I just find it dull. I mean, if I want to watch people yelling at each other, I can just go sit on my porch for an hour.
This got me thinking: what kind of reality show would I watch?
Setting aside the obvious (hot women mud-wrestling), I would want a reality show about science. Let’s call it: Sciencegasm!
Here’s the premise. You take a dozen or so scientists from varying fields, stick them in a house with an attached lab containing all the equipment they’d ever want, give them a challenge, and then lock them in for six months. Oh, and film it, obviously.
This would rock. Take a bunch of engineers, mathematicians, physicists, and scientists from other disciplines, say ‘build me a functional light saber’ and then film them hashing it out. If they succeed, they get a stupidly large sum of money. If they don’t succeed, we put all the footage of them in the bathroom on the internet.
Not only would it be entertaining, but think of the advances we could make: Efficient electric cars, teleportation, dog translators (SQUIRREL!), or a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese that was actually good for you. This show could very well save humanity.
And yes, if necessary, we could throw some in some hot women for the cat fights. Everyone loves a good cat fight.
Cheers,
-Jason
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Colors!
I had a very unusual thing happen to me last Monday. It only happens once every few years and I honestly didn’t expect it, but it was so strange and magical that I felt I had to share it with you all.
And no, the unusual thing wasn’t that a girl talked to me.
I got a good night’s sleep.
Yes, for me, this is weird, unusual, and downright bizarre. Normally, the first thing I do when the alarm sounds is swear, followed quickly by hitting the snooze button, with an option for more swearing. More likely than not, I will have a headache and I will wait until the last possible minute to get out of bed. I’m basically surly and pissed off for about an hour, but eventually I have some caffeine and can start to function.
This Monday was different though. When the alarm went off, I actually woke up. I was perfectly awake and actually felt good. My head didn’t hurt and I had this strange, almost overwhelming desire to jump out of bed and do something. And I did! I ate breakfast and my cereal tasted good! I even made a yummy noise.
I even paused when I went to my car to admire the grey, overcast sky. It was so lovely, like a giant, wet, gray blanket. I was so moved that I wrote a haiku.
Grey blanket of clouds
Melting with the gentle sun
Wow, this is so weird
Once I got to work, I marveled at the amazing colors and textures all around me. My neighbor has a fish tank and I’m sure I spent 20 minutes just watching the fish. He probably thought I was stoned.
Needless to say, I got an amazing amount of work done, came home, thoroughly enjoyed my dinner, exercised, got a bunch of writing done, and then turned in, happily contemplating a renewed me in the morning.
And, just to show that the gods hate me, I didn’t sleep, woke up cranky, and had my usual day.
I did not write any haikus.
So tell me, is this how people normally live? Is your world always bright? Is your soul filled with the laughter of children and the joyful bark of puppies? I’m just curious.
And tired. Very, very tired.
Cheers,
-Jason
And no, the unusual thing wasn’t that a girl talked to me.
I got a good night’s sleep.
Yes, for me, this is weird, unusual, and downright bizarre. Normally, the first thing I do when the alarm sounds is swear, followed quickly by hitting the snooze button, with an option for more swearing. More likely than not, I will have a headache and I will wait until the last possible minute to get out of bed. I’m basically surly and pissed off for about an hour, but eventually I have some caffeine and can start to function.
This Monday was different though. When the alarm went off, I actually woke up. I was perfectly awake and actually felt good. My head didn’t hurt and I had this strange, almost overwhelming desire to jump out of bed and do something. And I did! I ate breakfast and my cereal tasted good! I even made a yummy noise.
I even paused when I went to my car to admire the grey, overcast sky. It was so lovely, like a giant, wet, gray blanket. I was so moved that I wrote a haiku.
Grey blanket of clouds
Melting with the gentle sun
Wow, this is so weird
Once I got to work, I marveled at the amazing colors and textures all around me. My neighbor has a fish tank and I’m sure I spent 20 minutes just watching the fish. He probably thought I was stoned.
Needless to say, I got an amazing amount of work done, came home, thoroughly enjoyed my dinner, exercised, got a bunch of writing done, and then turned in, happily contemplating a renewed me in the morning.
And, just to show that the gods hate me, I didn’t sleep, woke up cranky, and had my usual day.
I did not write any haikus.
So tell me, is this how people normally live? Is your world always bright? Is your soul filled with the laughter of children and the joyful bark of puppies? I’m just curious.
And tired. Very, very tired.
Cheers,
-Jason
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Completely Random Thoughts
Whew, it's been a busy week. A lot has happened. Some of which I can't tell you about yet, as it's a secret. I have many secrets, some of which involve Captain Crunch and a very large spoon.
Anyway . . .
We are pretty close to securing an artist for our first Tales story. He's accepted, contingent on me fighting a bear with a baseball bat. I mean, I get the bat, not the bear. Wait. I think I get the bat. I hope I get the bat. I should probably confirm who gets the bat before this starts.
Regardless of the status of the bat, if I survive, he'll do the piece. I just hope it's a relatively small bear.
On another note, my ears have finally popped. I took ill last week and my ears have been stopped up. I can suddenly hear again and it's marvelous. I can hear the TV, the neighbors arguing, the subtle thump of that heart beneath the floor boards . . .
So, yes. Much has happened. Bears with bats. Hearts. I'm tired and will sleep in this Saturday.
Cheers,
-Jason
Anyway . . .
We are pretty close to securing an artist for our first Tales story. He's accepted, contingent on me fighting a bear with a baseball bat. I mean, I get the bat, not the bear. Wait. I think I get the bat. I hope I get the bat. I should probably confirm who gets the bat before this starts.
Regardless of the status of the bat, if I survive, he'll do the piece. I just hope it's a relatively small bear.
On another note, my ears have finally popped. I took ill last week and my ears have been stopped up. I can suddenly hear again and it's marvelous. I can hear the TV, the neighbors arguing, the subtle thump of that heart beneath the floor boards . . .
So, yes. Much has happened. Bears with bats. Hearts. I'm tired and will sleep in this Saturday.
Cheers,
-Jason
Screaming Monkey Vengeance
Last week, my office was rearranged. The powers that be wanted to certain people working near certain other people, so most everyone was moved. We were assured that this had nothing to do with any individual’s personal hygiene, though the fact that I now work in a sealed room is somewhat suspicious.
I’m just kidding. I don’t work in a sealed room. There are lots of fly strips though.
I was actually pretty excited about the move, as I was going to a nice area near a window and would be sitting with the other writer on the project, whom we’ll call Wilber. Wilber’s a good guy and we get along well, so I imagined we would have a great time in our corner, slinging one-liners and generally having more fun than a barrel of monkeys.
NOTE: I don’t understand why a barrel of monkeys would be fun. I mean, if I was a monkey and I was stuffed into a barrel with a bunch of other monkeys, I would not be happy. There would be a lot of clawing and biting as I established dominance and then I would begin the long, slow process of molding my fellow monkeys into an elite fighting force. We would then break out of the barrel and wreak screaming monkey vengeance on the people that stuffed us in there in the first place. So no, not a lot of fun.
‘Screaming Monkey Vengeance’ would be a great name for a band.
However, it is my sad duty to report that there has been a disappointing lack of hi-jinks. I envisioned that Wilber and I would have wild, crazy, ‘I Love Lucy’ style adventures. We’d be crawling through air ducts. There would be pie fights, mistaken identities, driving cars while blindfolded. We would somehow end up dressed as nuns and flying a plane full of contraband onions into Guam while neo-Nazis tried to thwart us.
You know, hi-jinks.
Mainly, we just work. I type. He types. Sometimes we go to meetings. There’s lots of typing. Needless to say, it’s been a colossal disappointment.
I’ve taken to just randomly announcing things, in the vain hope that something wacky will happen.
Just today, I announced I was eating an apple.
“I’m gonna eat an apple,” I said.
“Lovely,” Wilber said. He didn’t even look over.
“It’s important to eat plenty of fruits and vegetables,” I said.
“Uh-huh,” he said, as he continued typing.
“I’m done with my apple,” I said a minute later.
He didn’t respond.
I threw the core away and went back to work. Wilber didn’t notice the heavy sigh. Tomorrow I’ll tell him in great detail about the carrots I’m eating. If that doesn’t work, I’ll start bringing in other foodstuffs. Granted, he may eventually try to murder me, but at least something will happen.
Cheers,
-Jason
I’m just kidding. I don’t work in a sealed room. There are lots of fly strips though.
I was actually pretty excited about the move, as I was going to a nice area near a window and would be sitting with the other writer on the project, whom we’ll call Wilber. Wilber’s a good guy and we get along well, so I imagined we would have a great time in our corner, slinging one-liners and generally having more fun than a barrel of monkeys.
NOTE: I don’t understand why a barrel of monkeys would be fun. I mean, if I was a monkey and I was stuffed into a barrel with a bunch of other monkeys, I would not be happy. There would be a lot of clawing and biting as I established dominance and then I would begin the long, slow process of molding my fellow monkeys into an elite fighting force. We would then break out of the barrel and wreak screaming monkey vengeance on the people that stuffed us in there in the first place. So no, not a lot of fun.
‘Screaming Monkey Vengeance’ would be a great name for a band.
However, it is my sad duty to report that there has been a disappointing lack of hi-jinks. I envisioned that Wilber and I would have wild, crazy, ‘I Love Lucy’ style adventures. We’d be crawling through air ducts. There would be pie fights, mistaken identities, driving cars while blindfolded. We would somehow end up dressed as nuns and flying a plane full of contraband onions into Guam while neo-Nazis tried to thwart us.
You know, hi-jinks.
Mainly, we just work. I type. He types. Sometimes we go to meetings. There’s lots of typing. Needless to say, it’s been a colossal disappointment.
I’ve taken to just randomly announcing things, in the vain hope that something wacky will happen.
Just today, I announced I was eating an apple.
“I’m gonna eat an apple,” I said.
“Lovely,” Wilber said. He didn’t even look over.
“It’s important to eat plenty of fruits and vegetables,” I said.
“Uh-huh,” he said, as he continued typing.
“I’m done with my apple,” I said a minute later.
He didn’t respond.
I threw the core away and went back to work. Wilber didn’t notice the heavy sigh. Tomorrow I’ll tell him in great detail about the carrots I’m eating. If that doesn’t work, I’ll start bringing in other foodstuffs. Granted, he may eventually try to murder me, but at least something will happen.
Cheers,
-Jason
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
It's Time
If you haven't already, you should go read the note on the front page of Wayfarer's Moon. It's okay. We'll wait.
sound of bad whistling
Okay, you're back.
So yes, we will start updating on July 6th. Yes, that's two months away, but we really wanted to have some pages backlogged so we don't start updating and then immediately miss a week. This isn't as altruistic as it sounds. We just really don't want to get murdered.
The big news is that we'll be starting a second series called (tentatively) 'Wayfarer's Moon: Tales.' I'm completing scripts right now and we're talking to artists who may be interested in doing the pencils. We will announce a firm start date once we actually get one.
Tales will feature short stories about the Wayfarer's Moon world and will concentrate on events and characters around the main story. If you've ever wondered what happened to Dael and the caravan that Lily left at the start of the series, you'll find out (cause that's the first story).
The idea is that between Wayfarer's Moon and Tales, we won't ever have a dead week and there will be even more reason for you all to come back to the site. I will, of course, be doing my usual blogging.
So, thank you to everyone who's asked about Wayfarer's Moon and to those of you who kept coming back. We appreciate that you've stayed with us.
Cheers,
-Jason
sound of bad whistling
Okay, you're back.
So yes, we will start updating on July 6th. Yes, that's two months away, but we really wanted to have some pages backlogged so we don't start updating and then immediately miss a week. This isn't as altruistic as it sounds. We just really don't want to get murdered.
The big news is that we'll be starting a second series called (tentatively) 'Wayfarer's Moon: Tales.' I'm completing scripts right now and we're talking to artists who may be interested in doing the pencils. We will announce a firm start date once we actually get one.
Tales will feature short stories about the Wayfarer's Moon world and will concentrate on events and characters around the main story. If you've ever wondered what happened to Dael and the caravan that Lily left at the start of the series, you'll find out (cause that's the first story).
The idea is that between Wayfarer's Moon and Tales, we won't ever have a dead week and there will be even more reason for you all to come back to the site. I will, of course, be doing my usual blogging.
So, thank you to everyone who's asked about Wayfarer's Moon and to those of you who kept coming back. We appreciate that you've stayed with us.
Cheers,
-Jason
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