Sharks in Sweaters

It so happens that the other day I came across an article about the world’s population of sharks. Real swimmy swimmy sharks, not the other kind, who give you money and then break your legs when you don’t pay. Though, I suppose, swimmy sharks could do that to. I mean, the cash would get rather soggy and they’re more ‘biters’ than ‘beaters,’ so to speak, so the leg breaking would be difficult.

NOTE: Some of you got the ‘biter’ and ‘beater’ reference. Feel free to feel superior. For those who also got the ‘swimmy swimmy’ reference, feel free to don a monocle and add an ‘esquire’ after your name.

But I digress. It seems that the population of the swimmy, swimmy sharks (hereafter referred to as just ‘sharks’) is down by some 30% across the world. Human over-fishing seems to be the culprit and real, honest-to-god experts have theorized that the sudden increase in shark-fishing is due to the movie Jaws, which scared the poop out of everyone about 30-years ago.

For those of you who have not seen the movie, a shark pretty much eats everyone in a small seaside town until Roy Scheider blows it up with an air tank, a feat which was later totally disproven on an episode of Mythbusters.

Sharks became the new symbol of fear and we humans have done what we do best when confronted with something scary: we kill the crap out of it. Oh, I’m not bagging on humanity here. Killing stuff that scares you is a very important survival trait, ‘cause there’s generally a good reason to be scared of it. The cavemen that tried to pet the pretty cobra didn’t survive, whereas the cavemen who screamed and killed the cobra with a rock did.

Anyway, the problem here is that sharks eat lots of other, equally scary things and now that the shark population is so low, the other critters are multiplying. The Humbolt Squid, in particular, used to be found in one area off of Mexico. Now they’re hanging out in malls in Minnesota and trying to pick up girls.

So basically, if we want to keep things in balance, we ought to do something to help out the sharks. We could simply stop killing so many, which would work. Or, we could go totally overboard and actually start adopting them. It would be simple: you agree to raise a shark and when it’s old enough, you release it into the wild (aka: college). Not only will this help increase shark populations, but maybe, just maybe, sharks and humans would form a bond of love and friendship. Sharks would stop eating people. People would stop hunting sharks. A whole new industry of shark products would arise, including shark chow, shark leashes, and woolen shark sweaters for when they got cold.

Plus, if aliens ever messed with us, we could totally sick our sharks on them. Which would rock.

I think I’ll name my shark ‘Mr. Bitey.’

Cheers,
-Jason

Educational TV

So, has anyone noticed that educational TV seems to becoming a lot less educational?

I am talking about the Discovery Channel, History Channel, and The Learning Channel. While I watch pretty much zero network TV, I do flip between these on a regular basis and have noticed a trend.

What is the newest show on Discovery? A reality show about Lobster fisherman. What is the show that seems to be on most evenings? Deadliest Catch, a reality show about crab fisherman.

Discovery is not alone here. History has Ice Road Truckers. The Learning Channel has American Chopper (which I admit to enjoying – I like seeing the bikes being built), Miami Ink and now, LA Ink.

Granted, these shows are a minority among those being offered. The History Channel alone has so many WWII shows that I keep expecting Nazi Germany: The Shoelaces of the Third Reich to show up. The Discovery Channel also has that perennial favorite: Shark Week.

You know what I would love? Besides being fed fajitas by supermodels? If the History Channel and Discovery Channel combined forces to produce Nazi Shark Week. I do not care if it was about actual Nazi Sharks (der PanzerTigerhai), Nazis being fed to sharks, or the forbidden love between a Nazi and a shark. Nazi + Shark = television greatness.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand. I realize that these networks need viewers as much as anyone else. I also realize that reality shows are the thing right now. Could they just, you know, try and make them a bit more informative? Human Weapon is a good example of a show that provides entertainment (people hitting each other) with information (how hitting people in one way hurts more that hitting people other ways).

Barring that, they really need to go with Nazi Shark Week. Or American Chomper, a show about building motorcycles while being attacked by sharks. Or Miami Inked, where they try and tattoo a squid.

Cheers,
-Jason