The Dame glanced around. “I’m not familiar with John Woo movies.”
“Have you ever leapt sideways in slow-motion while firing two pistols?”
“No. Would it help if I had?”
“Actually, yes.” I took a deep breath, which was a mistake as the air tasted like bad pizza. “John Woo movies are usually about two men on opposite sides of a struggle who earn each other’s respect and friendship. Oh, and they just happen to be absolute baddasses.” I nodded towards the kitchen, where the sound of doves pooping could be heard. “Slow motion doves are one of his trademarks.”
“I see.” The Dame fished around in her pocket and took out three screwdrivers, a socket wrench and a baggie of cubed ice, before finding a crushed pack of cigarettes.
“I thought you were quitting,” I asked, as she pulled one out.
“I am.” The cigarette trembled slightly as she raised it to her lips. She sighed. “Do you have a light?”
I pulled a rather nice desk lamp from my coat and set it on the table.
“Funny.”
“Not terribly,” I said, as I reached over and plucked the cigarette away. “Now,” I began, as I tossed the cigarette over my shoulder, not noticing that it stuck in the wall. “Why don’t you tell me what’s really going on.”
She looked away. “What do you mean?”
“You’re not your usual self. And,” I said, pausing for dramatic effect, “there’s this.” I slapped the note onto the table, inadvertently flipping a spoon across the room. I didn’t notice the looks the other patrons gave me, as the spoon clattered and rattled on the tile floor.
She leaned forward and looked at the note. “A parking lot receipt from 1989?”
“Turn it around.”
“Now it looks like a pirate knitting.”
I looked down and turned the note towards me. It did look like a pirate knitting. “Wrong note,” I said, this time checking before I slammed down a pink post-it note.
“That’s the note that was on your computer monitor.”
“And what’s wrong with it?”
The Dame shrugged. One of the men from behind us got up and walked past towards the buffet. He made no noise. Simultaneously, one of the men from the other group also rose and headed towards the buffet. He also made no sound.
“There’s no harlequin picture,” I said, leaning back with a smile. “This isn’t official clown business.”
Next: Part 3
Showing posts with label Pirates. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pirates. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Everybody Wins
Whilst at work the other day, one of my fellow designers mentioned a show he just saw. Apparently, they get a team of experts to decide who would win in a fight between historical warriors. Things like Spartan vs. Pirate or Caveman vs. Incontinent Doughboy, you know, the kind of arguments that men have had for centuries and game designers have on an almost daily basis.
NOTE: Just for the record, a Pink Ponysaurus would totally kick the ass of a Ptiny Pterodactyl. So there, Bob!
The thing is, they’re comparing historical figures and frankly, that’s just not satisfying. Sure, they can argue the merits of Knights vs. Numismatists, but that’s hardly relevant to our modern society.
What we really need, is a show that pits the people we love to hate against each other. I call it ‘Everybody Wins.’
In Everybody Wins, we would get a chance to see real life irritants duke it out for fame and glory. Think about it, who would you like to see in a ring, fighting?
Off the top of my head:
Litigation Lawyers
Internet Lawyers
Lawyers in General
Politicians
Computer Virus Creators
Bad Parkers (as in, people who park on the lines, rather than betwixt them)
Spammers
The viewing audience could nominate particular individuals, who would then be contacted and talked into appearing on the show. They would just have to fight three, three-minute rounds with their opponent using standard boxing rules. The winner gets some cash or something. The loser gets to be on TV. The viewing audience gets to see two people they hate hit each other. Everybody Wins.
Just mix in some announcers and it would be gold.
“And tonight, Jim, we have a fine matchup. Steve, the Virus Maker versus Al the Litigation Attorney.”
“This is going to be great, Bob. Both men are in the prime of their professional careers. Steve created the amazing ‘UR DUM’ virus while Al has won 23 consecutive frivolous lawsuits.”
“And there’s the bell, Jim! Steve is already out of his corner, swinging wildly!”
“Al is huddled in the corner! He’s blocking! Oh, he’s swinging too!”
“Both men are going at it! Nothing is connecting! It’s amazing! I have never seen a more inept display of the sweet science in my entire career!”
“Uh oh, the blows are coming slower now! Looks like they’re both spent after a mere 8 seconds of combat!”
“And now Al looks like he’s trying to get out of the ring! We can’t allow that, which is why we’re dropping the steel cage!”
“Well, that surprised both of them, Bob! They’re trying to pull the cage up now. They just want to get out!”
“We can’t have that! Release the wild boar!”
Admit it, you would totally watch that.
Cheers,
-Jason
NOTE: Just for the record, a Pink Ponysaurus would totally kick the ass of a Ptiny Pterodactyl. So there, Bob!
The thing is, they’re comparing historical figures and frankly, that’s just not satisfying. Sure, they can argue the merits of Knights vs. Numismatists, but that’s hardly relevant to our modern society.
What we really need, is a show that pits the people we love to hate against each other. I call it ‘Everybody Wins.’
In Everybody Wins, we would get a chance to see real life irritants duke it out for fame and glory. Think about it, who would you like to see in a ring, fighting?
Off the top of my head:
Litigation Lawyers
Internet Lawyers
Lawyers in General
Politicians
Computer Virus Creators
Bad Parkers (as in, people who park on the lines, rather than betwixt them)
Spammers
The viewing audience could nominate particular individuals, who would then be contacted and talked into appearing on the show. They would just have to fight three, three-minute rounds with their opponent using standard boxing rules. The winner gets some cash or something. The loser gets to be on TV. The viewing audience gets to see two people they hate hit each other. Everybody Wins.
Just mix in some announcers and it would be gold.
“And tonight, Jim, we have a fine matchup. Steve, the Virus Maker versus Al the Litigation Attorney.”
“This is going to be great, Bob. Both men are in the prime of their professional careers. Steve created the amazing ‘UR DUM’ virus while Al has won 23 consecutive frivolous lawsuits.”
“And there’s the bell, Jim! Steve is already out of his corner, swinging wildly!”
“Al is huddled in the corner! He’s blocking! Oh, he’s swinging too!”
“Both men are going at it! Nothing is connecting! It’s amazing! I have never seen a more inept display of the sweet science in my entire career!”
“Uh oh, the blows are coming slower now! Looks like they’re both spent after a mere 8 seconds of combat!”
“And now Al looks like he’s trying to get out of the ring! We can’t allow that, which is why we’re dropping the steel cage!”
“Well, that surprised both of them, Bob! They’re trying to pull the cage up now. They just want to get out!”
“We can’t have that! Release the wild boar!”
Admit it, you would totally watch that.
Cheers,
-Jason
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Arrr, Let Us Plunder In a Socially Acceptable Way
I worry about pirates. Not that I’ll be attacked by them, but that they’ve become, well, pansies.
With the popularity of the Disney Pirates of the Caribbean movies, pirates have become mainstream. In fact, Disney now has an MMO based on the Pirates franchise (http://apps.pirates.go.com/pirates/v3/welcome if you are so inclined).
Pirates, it seems, are more popular than ever. Herein lies the problem. Pirates have been sanitized to protect the children. They are no longer the foul smelling, grog-guzzling, murderous bastards we came to know and love. Now they’re heroic fighters against evil. They have, dare I say it, morals.
Case in point, the Disney MMO does not allow you to shoot people. That’s right. Here’s a line directly off their website:
“The Pirate Code strictly states that pistols may only be used against the undead (Jolly Roger's Skeletons as well as those unholy creatures he has cursed), and must never be used against people –– be they other Pirates, townsfolk, the Royal Navy, or the East India Trading Company Black Guard.”
Apparently, pirates are now vitally concerned about the morality of shooting someone. Oddly enough, you can still stab people in the Disney game, which seems like a rather strange double-standard.
I am saddened by this. The thing that made pirates cool was the fact that they were outlaws. They ranged across the seas, stealing, fighting, and blowing things up. They knew perfectly well that if they were caught, they’d be executed, but they did it anyway. These were hard men.
Now, they’re kid-friendly and morally opposed to shooting people.
Unfortunately, pirates seem to be going the way of the ninja. Ninjas used to be silent, deadly assassins, now there are cartoons about them (In Naruto, an insanely popular anime, the young ninja hero wears an orange jumpsuit. I thought the idea was to blend in, not stand out like a street sign, but what do I know).
I guess I’ll have to find another group of vicious killers to idolize.
Cheers,
-Jason
With the popularity of the Disney Pirates of the Caribbean movies, pirates have become mainstream. In fact, Disney now has an MMO based on the Pirates franchise (http://apps.pirates.go.com/pirates/v3/welcome if you are so inclined).
Pirates, it seems, are more popular than ever. Herein lies the problem. Pirates have been sanitized to protect the children. They are no longer the foul smelling, grog-guzzling, murderous bastards we came to know and love. Now they’re heroic fighters against evil. They have, dare I say it, morals.
Case in point, the Disney MMO does not allow you to shoot people. That’s right. Here’s a line directly off their website:
“The Pirate Code strictly states that pistols may only be used against the undead (Jolly Roger's Skeletons as well as those unholy creatures he has cursed), and must never be used against people –– be they other Pirates, townsfolk, the Royal Navy, or the East India Trading Company Black Guard.”
Apparently, pirates are now vitally concerned about the morality of shooting someone. Oddly enough, you can still stab people in the Disney game, which seems like a rather strange double-standard.
I am saddened by this. The thing that made pirates cool was the fact that they were outlaws. They ranged across the seas, stealing, fighting, and blowing things up. They knew perfectly well that if they were caught, they’d be executed, but they did it anyway. These were hard men.
Now, they’re kid-friendly and morally opposed to shooting people.
Unfortunately, pirates seem to be going the way of the ninja. Ninjas used to be silent, deadly assassins, now there are cartoons about them (In Naruto, an insanely popular anime, the young ninja hero wears an orange jumpsuit. I thought the idea was to blend in, not stand out like a street sign, but what do I know).
Cheers,
-Jason
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
There Be a Blog Today, Arrrr
Today, September 19th, is Talk Like a Pirate Day.
It was started by two guys who, for a variety of reasons, decided that there needed to be a day when everyone talked like a pirate. You can visit their website here: http://www.talklikeapirate.com/piratehome.html.
I wholly support this day and will endeavor to call my friends dirty bilge rats at every opportunity. Just to mix it up, I might also call them filthy bilge rats.
This does raise a question, however: why do pirates say Arrrrr? I have actually tried to look this up, but have found nothing of note. Was there some pirate captain long ago with a speech impediment? Did they do it just to mess with people and it stuck? Does it just sound fierce?
Here is my personal theory: I have said Arrrr on a couple of occasions when I was in so much pain that I went completely inarticulate. For example, the time when I accidentally tore out a toenail (as opposed to the time I did it on purpose). When it happened, I ended up dancing around while holding my foot and making sort of an extended growl that was pretty close to an Arrrr.
So, at some point, there was a pirate who, in the course of his piratical duties, was injured and went Arrrrr! The other pirates thought this was cool and begin imitating him. Or, alternatively, they thought it was funny and began mocking him, as pirates have never been known for their sensitivity.
At any rate, pirates go Arrrr (and the cow goes Mooo and the dog goes Woof and the Black Mamba makes no sound at all). So be sure to say Arrrr, matey! a few times today. All the cool kids are doing it.
Arrrrr,
-Jason
It was started by two guys who, for a variety of reasons, decided that there needed to be a day when everyone talked like a pirate. You can visit their website here: http://www.talklikeapirate.com/piratehome.html.
I wholly support this day and will endeavor to call my friends dirty bilge rats at every opportunity. Just to mix it up, I might also call them filthy bilge rats.
This does raise a question, however: why do pirates say Arrrrr? I have actually tried to look this up, but have found nothing of note. Was there some pirate captain long ago with a speech impediment? Did they do it just to mess with people and it stuck? Does it just sound fierce?
Here is my personal theory: I have said Arrrr on a couple of occasions when I was in so much pain that I went completely inarticulate. For example, the time when I accidentally tore out a toenail (as opposed to the time I did it on purpose). When it happened, I ended up dancing around while holding my foot and making sort of an extended growl that was pretty close to an Arrrr.
So, at some point, there was a pirate who, in the course of his piratical duties, was injured and went Arrrrr! The other pirates thought this was cool and begin imitating him. Or, alternatively, they thought it was funny and began mocking him, as pirates have never been known for their sensitivity.
At any rate, pirates go Arrrr (and the cow goes Mooo and the dog goes Woof and the Black Mamba makes no sound at all). So be sure to say Arrrr, matey! a few times today. All the cool kids are doing it.
Arrrrr,
-Jason
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