I found myself standing in front of a large row of pens and
other writing implements seriously wondering if I should buy a red pen. One
part of my brain kept insisting that I don’t need a red pen, but then another
part would point out that in the event that I did need a red pen, it would be
better to have one ready. You know, just in case some zombies attacked and the
only way to defeat them would be correcting their homework.
No, I didn’t get so far as to figure out why zombies would
have homework, much less why correcting it would defeat them.
I decided that I really, really didn’t need a red pen,
zombies or not, as I already had a mace. I started to walk away only to be
distracted by a selection of highlighters. It was then I realized I was totally
hooked on Staples.
Oh, it started innocently enough. I would go into the local
Staples with an actual need, such as the sorter I bought a couple/three weeks
ago. I needed that to sort stuff. The argument can be made that you can also
sort stuff with a mace, but it’s not as tidy.
And then I found myself going in to look at file folders. I
don’t really need any file folders, but when I bought the sorter, I passed the
file folders and thought ‘maybe I should get some of those, too.’
It escalated from there.
I decided I really needed to look at some labels. And since
I was there, I should probably check out the envelopes. And laser pointers. You
never know when you might need to point at something.
I mean, I might be in a restaurant when zombies attack. I’ll
shout ‘Look out, zombies!’ and the other patrons will say ‘Where?’ and I’ll whip
out my laser pointer and put the dot right on a zombie’s forehead and say ‘There!’
And then we’ll beat up the zombies with chairs and plastic
trays and I’d be a hero and the cute cashier might give me a coupon for a free
burger.
No, my ambitions are not lofty.
Staples just has all these things that I can convince myself
that I might need. I don’t have this problem in toy stores. Oh, I want
everything, I just don’t need everything. Staples is different. They have real
grown-up things that I can show to an adult and say ‘this is a thing I need’
and they would agree.
Now, if the zombies were in high-school, they could,
conceivably have been zombified before they turned in their homework, so they
might still have it on them. And if I gave them ‘F’s, they might be so dejected
they would forget about eating what little brain I have. Then I could hit them
with my mace.
Huh, guess I’m going back to Stables for that red pen.
Cheers,
-Jason
5 comments:
lmao! i definitely could see the benefits of having a laser pointer in the event of a zombie attack
but the red pen might be pushing it! that does sound like the "addict" in you trying to reason an unreasonable addiction lol jk :) your post really made me laugh
Hey, you guys still around here?
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lmao! i definitely could see the benefits of having a laser pointer in the event of a zombie attack
but the red pen might be pushing it! that does sound like
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