The Five Stages of –

There was this service that came with my credit card and it cost a certain amount of money each year (around $100). Now, I never used the service, so when they sent me a little note in the mail telling me that I had to call a number or they would automatically charge me for said service, I decided to call and cancel.

NOTE: The service in question was ‘monkey slapping.’ I have never felt a need to slap a monkey and honestly, if I wanted to, I would just find a monkey and slap him. I realize that some people, perhaps the old or disabled, might need someone to slap a monkey for them and if so, then they would be delighted with the service. However, at this point, it was not for me.

I realized from the get go that this would take courage and fortitude. Their phone staff was no doubt trained to keep people from cancelling, possibly with the threat of beatings or repeated viewings of ‘Battle Beyond the Stars,’ the 1980 Star Wars rip-off that starred John Boy from the Waltons.

I called the number and after navigating through the menu, was connected with Marsha, who did her utmost to get me not to cancel. She kept me on the phone for six minutes, as she offered a variety of upgrades and incentives to keep me as a customer. I realized, partway through, that Marsha seemed to be going through the Five Stages of Death – or rather – the Five Stages of Subscription Cancellation.

It went something like this:

Denial
“No,” Marsha insisted. “Don’t you realize the FANTASTIC savings we offer on Monkey Slapping? No one can claim to have a quicker, cheaper, or more efficient Monkey Slapping service. How can you not see this?”

Anger
“How dare you do this to me! After all these years of slapping monkeys! Why, poor Jeff out on the line completely wore the skin off his right hand slapping monkeys! He has to slap them left-handed now! LEFT-HANDED!

Bargaining
“Y’know,” Marsha said. “For the same, low, low price, we can offer Ape Pinching as well. Heck, just for you, I’ll throw in the whole Primate Agitation Package! That’s a $300 value! You get Monkey Slapping, Ape Pinching, and Lemur Strangling! You can’t go wrong!”

Depression
“Fine. Go ahead. They’re already warming up Battle Beyond the Stars again. No, no, don’t worry about me. I’ve already seen it 38 times. That’s not so bad. I mean, the nightmares have finally stopped, but its okay. I guess I don’t need to sleep for the next year or so.”

Acceptance
“You’re account has been cancelled and there will be no further charges. Please think of us for any future Monkey Slapping needs. Thank you and have a nice day .

Ultimately, the service was cancelled and I felt that I had achieved a minor victory. Sure, Marsha was now watching a desperately bad sci-fi flick and possibly screaming and / or being prevented from clawing her eyes out, but I felt okay with that. Weirdly enough, I kinda felt like finding a monkey and slapping it.

Cheers,
-Jason