Attendees Will Be Shot

During our time at Comic-Con, a daily ritual arose. We began to refer to it as 'the morning threat.'

Basically, there were a stock set of announcements the staff would make each morning. Among the announcements were gems like 'Exhibitors, please keep the aisles clear' and 'Please do not run in the aisles.' They were almost always delivered by a very calm, almost expressionless male voice. These announcements were obviously for our benefit, but the straight forward manner they were delivered in was kinda fun.

Pretty quickly, the group of us in my immediate area began to make up our own announcements. It began with adding 'or you will be shot' to everything and quickly evolved into making up our own announcements.

NOTE: I should actually compliment the people that did the announcements. They were very professional about the whole thing. If I had been allowed anywhere near the microphone, I would have promptly threatened to have people executed.

So, it occurred to me that I should share with you all some of the gems that came out of Row L in the Small Press area. For best effect, say them evenly, with as little emotion as possible (and enunciate, dammit!).

1. All Exhibitor children are required to be chained to their parent’s booths at all times. Unattended children will be harvested for their organs.
2. C'thulhu fhtagn!
3. Oh god. The pain. The pain (delivered as flatly as possible).
4. Attendees please do not touch the Exhibitors. You don’t know where they’ve been.
5. Open the Exhibit hall doors, Hal.
6. What is this thing you humans call deodorant?
7. Attention in the Exhibit Hall. A quarter was dropped in Artist’s Alley. If found, please give it to the nearest staff member. Thank you.
8. Attention to the Exhibitor in Booth 318. Those shorts do not go with that shirt. Thank you.
9. Humus.
10. The cake is a lie. The pie is real. Do not inquire about the flan.

Cheers,
-Jason