‘Cause They’ll Eat Your Liver

I happened to be reminded of the phrase ‘and don’t let the bed-bugs bite’ today. It brought back fond childhood memories of my dad saying that when he tucked me in. Of course, he used to add ‘’cause they’ll eat your liver’ on the end.

And my mother wonders why I’m an insomniac who keeps a machete by the bed.

Now, in all seriousness, when I was a kid I was both terrified of and fascinated with bed bugs. I had this idea that they were these huge Great Dane-sized monstrosities that were quite capable of severing your leg and then running away with it, presumably to eat it in the darkness with ketchup.

I figured they were called bed-bugs because they would attack when they thought you were asleep, suggesting a malevolent intelligence as well. I really, really wanted to see one and if possible, make friends with it. Oh, the adventures we would have had, romping around the countryside, scaring the cattle and devouring large quantities of Captain Crunch.

Of course, I was a pragmatic child and thus I always kept a blue plastic bat near my bed just in case the bed bugs turned out to be mean. It is not a well known fact, but there are few forces in the universe capable of withstanding a determined five-year-old with a blue plastic bat.

NOTE: On one occasion I actually defeated both my older brothers with it. I still have it, in fact.

Anyhow, I never did get to see a bed bug and was vaguely disappointed to learn that they were quite small. Still, there’s always the chance that some mad scientist will grow them to the appropriate size and my wish will be fulfilled (and hopefully, humanity won’t be destroyed in the process).

Cheers,
-Jason