Scooby Don't

There is a trend in entertainment lately, as in like the last five or so years, to remake old shows and movies and make them ‘dark’ and ‘edgy.’ This can certainly work, but lately I feel like they’ve been really plumbing the depths to try and find old shows to bring ‘up-to-date,’ so to speak.

Therefore, since everyone else is doing it, I figured I’d give it a shot.

So, here’s my take on a new, dark, gritty, Scooby-Doo.

NOTE: I am aware that the Venture Brothers did a riff on this a number of years ago.

The basic premise of the show stays the same: the gang travels around the country in the Mystery Machine, solving a variety of crimes involving old people pretending to be ghosts and monsters, actual ghosts, actual monsters, and a wide variety of criminals, some of whom are also ghosts and/or monsters.

Here’s the updated characters.

Velma – A scientist turned paranormal researcher, she left her lucrative job to investigate the paranormal, bringing her expertise and fondness for explosives with her.

Catchphrase: ‘Jinkies,’ said low and menacingly, as something explodes.

Shaggy – An ex-biker with copious tattoos, a pair of .357s, and a penchant for straight whiskey. The last of the Devil’s Dozen, his whole gang was wiped out by a werewolf and now he rides with a silver bullet always at the ready.

Catchprase – ‘Zoinks’ – said when he’s about to shoot something in the face.

Scooby – The mascot of the Devil’s Dozen, he survived the massacre and accompanies Shaggy, looking for revenge against the werewolf.

Daphne – A psychic, Daphne tries to use her abilities to help people and protect the world from paranormal threats, using her abilities to summon hordes of undead and bring peace to lost souls. An eyepatch covers a dead eye, which can see beyond the veil.

Favorite Color: Purple

Fred – Fred is exactly like his original cartoon character is always horrified by the things his companions say and do. He constantly tries to escape, but the others always catch him, but interpret his frequent attempts to flee as a running gag.

Catch-phrase – ‘Aaaaagh!’ – uttered whenever anything happens.

A sample scene:

Shaggy – Taking aim at a ghoul. “I hate ghouls!”

Fred – “Stop!” He runs in front of Shaggy and grabs the ghoul, pulling off the mask. “It’s just old man Henderson!”

Old Man Henderson – “The money would have been mine, if not for y-“

Shaggy - “Zoinks” - shoots Old Man Henderson. 

Fred – “Aaaaaaaagh!”

Daphne peers at the corpse. “He’s not dead yet. I can fix that.”

Fred – “Aaaaaaaagh!”

Velma – “I’ll just blow up the house. They’ll never find the body.”

Fred – “Aaaaaaaagh!”

Scooby starts to gnaw on Old Man Henderson’s leg.

Fred – “What are you maniacs doing? He was just an old man!”

Shaggy – “He shouldn’ta f***ed with the Scooby Gang. C’mon, drinks’re on me!”

The others cheer as Velma sets up a bomb. They all walk away, Shaggy dragging Fred.

Velma – “Jinkies!” She activates a switch.

The house blows up.

I will accept my Emmy now.

Cheers,

-Jason

Kinda Irked

Like most Americans, I have a NetFlix account and watch the occasional movie or binge an entire season of a show because I have no life. And like most everyone else, I sometimes get messages from NetFlix informing me of a new show I might be interested in. I will usually glance at the recommendation and then delete it, but the latest one they sent me gave me pause.

It was for Baby Boss 3.

Now, my NetFlix history looks like I’m a disturbed thirteen-year-old, with a variety of cartoons, horror movies, the odd action/kung-fu flick, and documentaries on everything from politics and economics to medical shows to ‘things found glued to animals.’

I have wide-ranging interests.

So, when Baby Boss 3 crossed my feed, I was kinda irked. I may watch more cartoons than any three average pre-schoolers put together, but I watch the good stuff, dammit.

NOTE: I have not actually watched any of the Baby Boss oeuvre, so I cannot actually pass any sort of judgement on their content. However, I am fairly certain that even if they’re masterpieces of subtle wit and comedy, I’m not really interested.

So now, I feel like I have to somehow ‘fix’ my NetFlix history so it better reflects who I want them to think I am, rather than who I might actually be. This means a lot of Oscar-nominated movies, high-brow foreign stuff, and shows that end with everyone dead to show man’s inhumanity to man.

Yet, in thinking about this, what do I really care? After all, I’m (arguably) an adult and what I watch is my business. I like cartoons and animation. This is, after all, why I have NetFlix in the first place. So I can watch the things that I want when I want and while wearing or not wearing pants as I see fit.

Am I afraid of what some NetFlix computer thinks of me? No.

Am I afraid of what information the government has on me? KInda, yes. It’s complicated.

Am I afraid that I’ll bring a date back to my apartment (HA!), they’ll see my NetFlix recommendations, and think less of me?

Yes, absolutely.

Cheers,

-Jason

The Problem of Evil

Have you, like me, ever wondered how evil empires work? Not just the ‘bad guys’ so to speak, but the really evil empires that tend to kill their own people?

Think about it. You’re at work, doing your thing, and there’s a sudden crash. You look over and see Steve from Accounting looking sheepish, a broken mug at his feet and coffee soaking into the carpet. Your boss, whom I’ll call Lord Fleshripper, stomps over and shouts “you’ve failed me for the last time!” then draws a gun and shoots Steve in the face.

Lord Fleshripper then turns to Nancy, as Bob and Chuck from maintenance drag Steve’s body away and says. “Congratulations on your promotion,” while holstering his gun.

Quick question: would you want to work there?

I will assume you said ‘no.’

NOTE: if you said yes, drop me a message. I will be needing flunkies for my evil empire. Currently, it’s me, a 10# bag of rice, and a recently deceased spider.

How do these organizations even work? I mean, take a look at the Empire in Star Wars. Vader keeps strangling Admirals and there can’t be that many of them. Even an otherwise excellent officer will screw up occasionally, so Vader is not only strangling incompetent officers, he’s killing off the good ones as well. And what about the Lieutenants and Captains and the like? If your career goal is to be an Admiral, then you have a non-zero risk of getting Force Choked. I can’t imagine anyone but a psychopath thinking ‘yeah, I’ll risk getting executed if it means I get to wear the big Jolly Rancher chest piece.’

And that’s not even the worst example. In the Mirror Universe in Star Trek, anybody who can kill the Captain of a ship gets the be the Captain. This seems like a recipe for disaster as the qualities needed to successfully murder your Captain are not necessarily the same ones needed for . . . oh, you know . . . actually commanding a ship.

Now, I’m not an expert on the Mirror Universe, but it would also seem to be easiest to murder your Captain when he’s distracted, such as in the middle of a space battle, which would be poor timing at best. Especially since everyone else would have the same idea. Enemies would just need to shoot once, wait for the half of the crew to murder the other half, then just blow the ship up or take it, as you need a minimum number of people to y’know, actually fight back.

Now, I realize the whole ‘murder your subordinates’ is simple shorthand for showing how evil a society is, but it doesn’t really stand up to scrutiny. If you really want to show how evil a society is, just have puppies everywhere and then have the bad guys occasionally kick them for no reason. That would certainly make me set phasers to kill.

Cheers,

-Jason